The Dwyer House
by Mrs.Robward
Summary: **ON HAITUS** In the foothills of the Rocky Mountains you'll find a breathtaking bed and breakfast known as The Dwyer House. A place where people meet; they smile and laugh, change and grow, love and hate, and every once in awhile, they never leave. AH
1. And So It Begins

_And I'd give up forever to touch you 'cause I know that you feel me somehow_  
_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be and I don't want to go home right now_

_And all I can taste is this moment and all I can breathe is your life_  
_'Cause sooner or later it's over I just don't want to miss you tonight_

_And I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'd understand_  
_When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am_

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming or the moment of truth in your lies_  
_When everything feels like the movies _  
_Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive..._

_Iris ~ Goo Goo Dolls_

_(Songs always linked on profile)_

* * *

**~*o0o*~**

This is the story of the love of my life.

The girl, who at just seven-years old, unknowingly stole my heart with her quiet demeanor and her big brown eyes.

The one who held the power, time after time, to make my palms sweaty and my insides quake from nervousness.

The one who three years later, gave me my first kiss. I'd never forget the sensation of her soft lips as they grazed mine.

The one whom I'd thought of every single night when my head touched my feather-down pillow, and then when I arose with the sun, my mind flooded with visions of her.

That girl, Bella Swan, became the purpose of my existence. I counted the days until I could see her again, touch her hair, and hold her hand. The summer vacations and the Christmas holidays never seemed to be enough.

At thirteen, she rested in my arms in a field of clovers, and we lost touch with our petty problems and our immature worries as we held onto each other. The blue sky provided the distraction of peace, and right then and there I began to think of love.

Two years later she allowed me to see her naked, and I thought she was the most beautiful creature that had ever chanced upon this earth.

When I surprised her for her sweet sixteen birthday, we spoke of our futures and promised forever as we confessed aloud our never-ending love.

The miles between us never mattered, we were just meant to be.

That was...until were weren't.

Things happened in my life, circumstances that changed the core of who I was. I couldn't allow myself to get caught up in the dreams of love and the promises of happy endings anymore.

The longing for innocent touches that my body seemed to cry out for became too good for me.

The way she could look in my eyes, as if she were staring right at my soul, I knew I wouldn't be able to mask my rage and hide my pain.

The way she had bound her future to me and placed it in my hands was now an unwanted gift. I had to return it to her so she could live as she was entitled.

She deserved better.

So, as my world began to cave in around me, I selfishly took one more night to sleep in her arms, touch her skin, and feel her breath upon my chest.

I marvelled in the contours of her body. I took refuge in the wetness of her kiss, and I danced in the lust parading around in her dark eyes.

I listened to her groan out my name in pleasure, hoping it would forever echo throughout my mind.

I prayed that the essence of her body might brand my senses so I could carry it with me always.

Those countless times I was buried deep within her, in exchange for my damaged soul - I'd stolen her virginity, robbed her virtue, and basked in her innocence. That last night we were together, I fucked her over and over. My carnal desire to posses her body – to control her just one more time, took precedence over every other need but to breathe. We floated together to Heaven's gates and danced along the clouds. Then as the dawn broke, long before she began to wake and greet me with her precious smile – I left. Somehow, I'd convinced myself it was for the best.

And for six years, I believed my self-constructed lies. I brooded in my doomed fate and took my vengeance out on the world. I roamed from place to place, a drifter only living for myself. Everything was mine for the taking, nothing was out of my reach. The only exception, Bella Swan.

My conscience was gone, somewhere tucked away with my heart and soul. Maybe years ago, I'd left them with her.

As an angel, she haunted my dreams trying to save me from myself, but I was always victorious. My sinister being could out run her golden wings. I walked a path that was destined straight to Hell, a place where heavenly angels weren't permitted to tread.

I sometimes heard her whisper my name in my sleep, and those nights - I wished I'd never wake.

My world without Bella became my Hell upon earth. I lived. I breathed. I existed, but deep inside my soul, I was tormented.

As the days passed, it only became harder to live without her. The hours somehow longer and the days seemed to never end.

I jumped each time a phone would ring, curious of the caller. My neck cracked each time I whipped it around in search of the source of a familiar laugh. Each reminder of her had begun to fill me with an undeserved hope, until one day... one hour... one minute – I was full and could hope no more.

I sped away on my bike, en route for the celestial mountain range of the Rockies. My destination – The Dwyer House.

My goal – apologize to Bella Swan and rid myself of the guilt of breaking her heart. My plans after that unknown. I still felt as though there was no place that I belonged. No happiness I was worthy of. No love I had to give away, just forgiveness to chase away my demons and closure for my pathetic life.

But first, I would tell this story from the beginning where the love began. Start with our shared past and what led me to here. Me, Edward Cullen, soaked from the rain that was hiding my tears, sitting on my bike on the long driveway that wound up the hill to the Dwyer House. The contents of my stomach expelled in the bushes down the road. My heart pounding against my breastbone and my fear screaming at me to just leave. I shouldn't do this.

I shouldn't walk up that stone walkway and knock on that door.

I should leave.

I should turn around and drive, fill my small tank with gas and never look back.

I should go.

I tilted my head back and closed my eyes as the darkened sky poured rain all over me.

But somewhere deep inside my being I felt warm.

I was surrounded by memories; this was us, this was our place, this was ...The Dwyer House.

**~*o0o*~**

_**"Even a happy life cannot be with out a measure of darkness. **__**The word 'happiness' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness."**_

_**~Carl Gustav Jung**_

* * *

These chapters will be short & simple. There will be some fluff, then angst, then -(fill in the blank).

Thanks to afragilelittlehuman for pre-reading, Becky for showing how bad I am at comma placements, and therunaway for the all over beta! This fic is also on Twilighted & TWCS.

Let me know what u think.

~Stacy


	2. Pictures

**~Edward, age 8**

We visited The Dwyer House Bed & Breakfast every year, sometimes even twice a year. This was one of our many family vacations, but it quickly became my favorite place to be, and it may or may not have been because of her.

In the winter, we'd always fly out of Seattle. Heading to Colorado the day after Christmas. We would and stay there for three weeks. In the summer our visits were shorter, usually around ten days. Somehow, I wanted to convince my parents into making that vacation longer.

The first time I saw her was just a year ago. At the age of seven, I was instantly charmed by her. She looked to be about my age, maybe a little younger. But she was just so... so pretty I couldn't look away. She was the most beautiful person I'd ever seen.

Then this year it dawned on me that I had a crush on that brown-haired girl. She was helping serve soda during dinner and asked if I wanted more. My mouth became so dry that my tongue seemed to be glued to the roof of my mouth, so I just nodded. Then she smiled at me. I actually saw her teeth and everything. It was ...nice and I wanted to see it again.

I sat looking out our window a lot that winter visit, hoping to see her. She didn't seem to be around much, but I did hear her call Mrs. Dwyer, "Mom," so I knew she lived there, or at least was staying with her mother for a while.

Sadly, I only got to see her during meals. She smiled at me every day, and it made my stomach feel funny. But I noticed sometimes when she looked at me—right before she smiled—her eyes looked sad and I wanted to ask her why.

The days flew by, and before I knew it my twenty-one days were up, and we were packing to go home. I was so disappointed. I didn't even talk to her and it would be a long time before I got to see her again. I then remembered my mother's fancy new camera that was in her tote bag. I snatched it up and looked at it in confusion. I had no idea how to operate it. I left our room in a hurry and ran through the grounds to find her. I tried to read the writing on the many buttons as I ran, only to almost drop it onto the rocks in the driveway outside. My mother would've killed me so, I stopped and put the strap over my neck to make sure it was protected from my butter-fingers.

I was super quiet as I looked for her. I didn't want to be too loud or get too close for fear of being seen. When I finally saw her in the den, I hid behind a large column and said a silent prayer that I could do this right. I peeked out from behind the column and snapped about five pictures in succession before I darted back off toward my room. I put Mother's camera back in its rightful place and plopped down on my bed.

My mother scolded me and made me get up off the bed to finish packing and my sulking soon followed. I already missed her, and I didn't even know her name.

Three weeks later, I accompanied my mother to the local store to process her pictures. She dropped them in the one-hour photo bin, and we shopped as they were being developed. I stood at the end of the aisle watching them load the spool of unopened film and push the buttons that would develop our pictures. I pretended to look at a comic book while my mother was lost in the aisle of make-up and nail polish. I rocked on the balls of my feet. I was anxious to say the least! I wanted to remove the pictures of my girl, this was what I called her since I didn't know her name, before my mother saw them. Because if she ever did, she'd know—my crush would be revealed.

I saw the fat guy reach under the counter for one of those paper envelopes that they put your pictures in when they were ready, so I quickly ran over to the magazine shelf to replace the book. My shoes slid on the slick floor when I tried to abruptly stop. As soon as I got my footing back, I ran over to the photo center only to stop dead in my tracks as I saw my mother thumbing through the pictures. Only I didn't stop, I slid hip first into the photo counter.

"Edward, did you take a few pictures with my camera?" she asked and raised her eyebrows. She tried to hide her smile by biting her lips, but I saw her eyes light up in amusement.

Crap. She knew.

I could try and blame it on my cousin Emmett, but he had a girlfriend and his stupid butt probably couldn't even figure out how to use the camera. I could blame it on my Dad, but that would be all wrong – him taking pictures of young girls. I couldn't lie to my momma anyway. "Yes, Ma'am."

"Well, Edward, these are some nice pictures of that girl from the Dwyer house. What was her name? Bella? She's a sweet young lady." She wiggled her eyebrows again and pursed her lips.

Yep, she knew.

But my girl's name was... Bella.

"Here," she said as she handed me my photos. Amazing how those little squares of laminated paper could hold so much meaning.

I quickly retreated outside away from the all-knowing eyes of my mother and took a seat on the curb beside our car. I was nervous, and I was just going to look at her picture for Pete's sake! How would I ever work up enough nerve to talk to her?

The first two pictures were just the back of her head and silly enough, I sat there grinning like a fool.

The third was her in motion turning around and it was just a blurry profile.

But the fourth was her almost facing me, her mysterious eyes tilted downward. Her bottom lip caught just under her top teeth.

When I flipped to the last photo, I almost dropped them all. In shock, I scrambled to grab the pictures as they began to tumble out of my hands. The last picture was her looking straight at me. She saw me.

Her smile was so big that her eyes twinkled, and the edge of her bottom lip was still barely caught under her teeth.

Bella saw me take her picture.

SHE SAW ME TAKE HER PICTURE!

Oh no... I'd never be able to face her again.

But she sure was pretty.

**~*o0o*~**

_**"We do not remember days; we remember moments."**_

_**~Cesare Pavese**_


	3. Kisses

_Its 4:03 and I can't sleep without you next to me  
I toss and turn like the sea  
If I drown tonight  
Bring me back to life  
Breathe your breath in me  
The only thing that I still believe in is you  
If you only knew_

_If you only knew  
How many times I counted all the words that went wrong  
If you only knew  
How I refuse to let you go  
Even though you're gone_

_I don't regret any days I spent  
Nights we shared..._

_If You Only Knew ~ Shinedown_

* * *

**~Edward, age 18 **

**4 days after leaving Bella~**

I rubbed my eyes vigorously with my palms to wipe away the sleep. The morning light burned like ultraviolet lasers shooting through my retinas. I tightly squeezed them shut as I reached over, searching the passenger side Volvo seat for my sunglasses.

I found them and blew out a breath of relief when I opened my eyes without pain. I glanced down at the digital clock—9:26. I'd slept for four hours—the most yet.

It had been four days since I'd left her.

It wasn't getting any easier and I hated myself even more than I did just a few days ago.

So far, all I had accomplished was driving, drinking, and sleeping. None of those three had given me any relief for my heartache.

I couldn't drive fast enough or get far enough away.

The plethora of alcohol was only a temporary elixir, and sometimes, it even made it worse.

And I couldn't sleep—at all. The memories of her were just too vivid. When it became quiet around me, I could still hear her voice and see her face behind my closed lids. I swear her distinctive scent was all over my clothes, and only because I was a sick fucker, the smell of her sweet sex still faintly lingered on my fingers.

I should find a place to bathe.

_...But then she'll be gone for good._

I raked my fingers through my oily hair, cursing my weak soul.

Then I pounded the steering wheel with my fists.

I wanted to scream...

...or cry.

Why did this have to be so hard?

And painful?

Bella didn't deserve me leaving her like I did, but I really never deserved her to begin with.

I drove a few more miles down the highway debating if I wanted to get a hotel room or find a truck stop.

Renting a room won out and I pulled into the first place I came to. It was pretty shitty looking, but the sign read forty-nine dollars a night, and if there was ever a time for me to save money, it was now.

I popped open the glove box and pulled out the roll of cash I'd stuck in there. I counted out one hundred dollars and went into the office to pay for my room.

It smelled like supersaturation of nasty stale piss in the front office, and I held my breath as I paid. The woman behind the counter was probably close to eighty, and I wondered if she wore one of those old-lady diapers. _Maybe she needs changing._

I shivered as I left the piss-pot and walked toward my room.

Room number seven; it was as small as the closet in my old house, but it at least appeared clean—especially the bathroom.

_Thank God._

***o0o***

Two weeks later, I was still staying at Castle-De-La-Urine, but I had gotten a job. I'd begun to work nightly at the small bar down the street. Aro, the bar's owner, let me wash the dishes, sweep the floors, and take care of whatever else needed cleaning up. It was boring as fuck, but I made a dollar or two.

And on busy nights, I didn't think of her.

Thankfully, the weekends were a madhouse, being that the bar was right off interstate seventy and not far from the campus of the University of Missouri.

Three months later, Lucy, the bartender, began to train me to mix drinks and bar tend. It kept my mind occupied and my hands busy.

In no time at all I was kicking ass behind the bar and everything was all right.

Not good, but okay.

There was a regular whose name was Jennifer. In her own way she was cute—blonde, busty, too much make-up—not my type, but at least she didn't remind me of _her. _That was always a plus.

I knew I flirted too much, but the tips improved substantially when I buried my downer attitude and gave the females—and some of the males—a wink and a smile.

That still didn't excuse her behavior.

I'd stepped out from behind the bar to take a bathroom break.

As soon as I walked back out into the hall, two hands were pulling me back into the corner.

Jennifer.

Her lips were all over my face, her overgrown tits were pressed into my ribs and she smelled all ...wrong.

"What the fuck!" I shouted as I pushed her face away from me. The flat of my palm landed directly on her bottom lip, busting it.

"Edward, you fucking idiot! That was my lip!" Blood slowly trickled down her chin as she screamed at me. Her hand reached up to wipe it off her face.

I was angry and disgusted. I breathed heavily through my nose and wiped her spit off my face.

That kiss wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't ...who I needed. I took a deep breath and leaned forward, inches from her face. "Don't you ever...try to kiss me again... ever!"

"What are you, _queer_?" she seethed.

_No. You. Are. Not. Her. _

"No. Just. Don't!" I growled.

"Get over yourself, Edward!" she yelled.

Right then, I turned around and left her bleeding.

Then I left the bar.

Next the hotel, and quickly after, the town.

I drove until I couldn't hold my eyes open anymore.

I pulled over to the side of the road.

The desire to use my cell to phone Bella and hear her calming voice was making me crazy.

_I still need her. _

Pulling at my hair, I groaned out in frustration, "Fuck!"

Then I cried.

Uncontrollably.

For my mother, and my father.

But mainly, for Bella.

_Bella. _

And even some for myself.

I missed her so damned much. Why couldn't things be different?

I pulled her picture out from my center console, and I began to apologize to her. I'd promised myself I wouldn't look at this anymore. That I wouldn't lose myself in her picture and in our memories. That I'd just forget.

But I couldn't.

I clutched the picture tighter, almost wrinkling it in my fist. Good God this just made everything worse!

_...and better. _

I whispered to her still face, "I'm sorry," again and again until sleep overtook me and her picture slipped from my fingers, falling to the floorboard.

In my dreams she held me close, my head resting on her bare breasts. Her short fingernails fingering my hair and massaging my scalp. Her small manicured toes wiggled when she spoke, and I held her body so close to me.

But every time I looked at her face and searched out her deep brown eyes, I found her sad and distraught. Through her cries she asked me "Why?" She asked me why I had left her?

_Because I love her so. _

Then just like light being engulfed by the dark, my dreams morphed into nightmares.

Ones that I couldn't escape from.

And a darkness followed that I now called home.

***o0o***

**~Edward, 9 years old**

I pulled the lever up that allowed my airplane seat to recline. It didn't move much, but it was enough. We'd just left the Dwyer House and I was hoping to nap to pass the flight quickly.

With my eyes closed, I replayed my conversation with her over and over in my head.

"_Hi."_

"_Hello." __I could barely speak._

"_My name's Bella."_

"_I'm Edward, Edward Cullen."_

"_Yeah...I know."_

She knew?

_YES!_

But that was it.

I was officially a dork. When Bella came around, I forgot how to speak. Yet when I was alone in my room or looking in my mirror, I could come up with a whole conversation between us. We would sit and talk for hours ...in my imagination. _Why couldn't it happen like that for real?_

I groaned in frustration and covered my face with the small pillow the stewardess gave me earlier.

Maybe I just needed more practice.

***o0o***

"Merry Christmas, Renee!" my mother shouted as we entered the Dwyer House.

"Merry Christmas to you, Esme. How have you been?"

I went and plopped down on the red plaid couch that was in the middle of the front room. There was a heavy snowstorm on the way and I was relieved to finally be here. I'd been nervous that we might not beat out the storm and we'd be stranded in some weird place... and I wouldn't get to see Bella this Christmas.

I'd been secretly counting the days until we were to return.

Plus, I had practiced talking to her—a lot. I'd been carrying on conversations with her picture for months. I'd memorized my answers to all the questions she might ask. This year, I was ready.

My mother came over and sat beside me on the couch. She huffed and leaned back on the firm couch cushion.

She looked sad or something.

"I'm sorry, Edward," she whispered.

I didn't know what she was talking about so I gave her a funny look.

She reached over and patted my hand. "Bella's at her father's this year. She probably won't be back before we leave."

I was shocked.

And sad.

Disappointed, even.

I didn't get the remote control speedboat I wanted for Christmas, and now I wouldn't get to see my girl either.

This was the worst Christmas ever!

***o0o***

**~Edward, age 10**

Last year, having to spend almost three weeks at the Dwyer House without the possibility of seeing Bella, was boring, I hated it. I was glad Dad had an emergency back in Seattle, and we left four days early.

It had been a year since I'd seen her—if you didn't count the random times I'd looked at her picture.

It'd been too long.

I finally asked Sally Smith to be my girl. She had brown hair, too. It was curlier than Bella's, but somehow it just wasn't the same. She'd never made me forget what I was thinking about. I'd never gotten that funny feeling in my belly when she smiled at me, and I'd never wanted a picture of her to keep either.

So she wasn't my girl for long.

It bummed me out that I didn't get excited when I looked at Bella's picture anymore. I think I'd even forgotten how she made my insides feel warm.

That was until we stepped into the Dwyer House the next summer. She was waiting in the front room on the red plaid couch. She had a tan and her hair was pulled up in a ponytail. Her knees were tucked underneath her and she was reading a paperback book.

I practically stumbled in the door when I saw her.

She slowly laid her book in her lap and looked up at me. She smiled and waved her fingers. I looked behind me to make sure she was waving at me.

She was.

Right then and there, my stomach tumbled. It felt just like it did when I rode the big roller coaster at Disney.

_Amazing._

Then I heard someone yell her name, and she jumped up and ran towards the kitchen.

"Edward, take these bags upstairs to our room. Your father will be right behind you. I'm going to check us in."

I think my mom was talking to me but... that was Bella.

And she waved at me.

She was still so... pretty, even prettier than I remembered.

"Edward!" I heard the irritation in my mother's voice.

"Yes, Ma'am. I heard you," I mumbled.

I picked up two smaller suitcases that I could carry up to our room.

My mother rustled my hair. I'd been letting it grow out this summer. It was the newest fad for boys to have longer hair and I was going to try it out.

I looked up at her face, and she wiggled her eyebrows. "Was that Bella?" she asked in a mocking way.

"Mo-om!" I quickly ran up the stairs before she could say something else to embarrass me. But as soon as I was out of her sight, I nodded my head as I thought, _"Yes! It was!"_

It took us forever to unpack. Mrs. Dwyer even brought our dinner to our room that evening. Then my mother and father wanted to go to bed early.

_Old farts. _

But not me, I was too excited. We were staying fourteen days this time. The four days we left early last Christmas had just been transferred onto this visit and this made me very happy.

"Mom, can I go swimming?" I was whining but anything to get out of this room for a while.

"Sure honey, but be back in our room by ten, okay?"

"Yessss!" I quickly changed into my swimming trunks and ran down the hall, down the steps and toward the pool.

The pool at the Dwyer House was totally awesome. It was indoor and big, "Olympic size," I think was what my Dad called it. It even had those lanes painted on the bottom. It was heated, but in the summer somehow the roof opened up and you could see the sky. It always smelled like chlorine, but the water never stung my eyes.

I ran out the side door of the main building and down the covered walkway to the pool house. I kicked off my shoes right inside the door, threw my towel on the table, and climbed the ladder to the short diving board.

The water was warm and the bubbles tickled my skin as I dove headfirst and swam underwater toward the other end. I came up for air only when I had to, and quickly dipped my head back under to swim toward the bottom.

It was dark and the underwater lights were on. Every move you made cast an eerie glow on the bottom of the pool. I opened my eyes and watched my shadow as I swam.

My muscles were getting tired so I floated to the top and let my face emerge. I blew out a deep breath and barely moved my legs to stay afloat.

I heard a gasp and spun around to see her standing at the side of the pool in a purple bathing suit. She was as still as a statue.

_Oh my Lord!_

"I'm... I'm sorry. I'll leave," she said as she slowly began to walk backwards toward the exit.

"No wait!" I shouted as I drifted toward the pool steps in the shallow end. "You can ...swim."

"I can't." She stopped stepping backwards and just stood there.

Did she not want to swim? Why was she here if she didn't want to swim? That was just stupid. Or maybe it was because of me?

"You can't swim?" It sounded like I was making fun of her, but I wasn't. I really couldn't have cared less, but why was she in here if she couldn't swim?

"No. I can... swim. I'm just not allowed." Her hands challengingly went to her hips. "Staff is not allowed to swim with guests." Then she mumbled, "It's a rule."

She turned and walked toward the door. I didn't know what to say. _Shoot, shoot, shoot. Think!_

"Wait," I shouted again. I sat down on the bottom step and the top of the water lapped at my shoulders.

"What if you're invited... by a guest? Could you swim then?"

She slowly spun back around and twisted the towel she held in her hands.

"I don't know. I... guess it'd be all right," she said as she looked down at the water. She looked nervous and I wondered if she could tell that I was so scared I wanted to puke.

"Well, go ahead and swim then. I'm inviting you." I quickly slid off the step to sink under the water, just in case she said no, or left, or... stayed.

I heard the splash from underwater and opened my eyes to see her swimming at the bottom of the pool. Her long hair flowed behind her and her swimming was... smooth. Her limbs seemed to bend and her reflection on the bottom of the pool floor mirrored a mermaid's grace.

I suddenly realized she was getting closer to me so I quickly found my step and sat back down.

Her swimming slowed the closer she got to me. I watched as her arms reached out for the steps I was sitting on and her head emerged as she sat on the opposite end.

She reached up and swiped her hair back. I noticed her nose was pink and she had freckles along her cheeks. We were kind of sitting close. If I stretched out my leg, my foot would probably touch her.

"Thanks." She looked away from me again, and one of her hands began to skim the top of the water. Small ripples slipped through her fingers and I couldn't look away.

"Sure," I answered.

"I saw you take my picture," she said really quietly. She was staring at the water and when she looked back up at me, her face was more pink than usual.

"Uh, well...yeah. About that..." _Oh no. What should I say?_

"It's okay. You didn't have to sneak around, though."

I didn't say anything back.

We were both staring at her fingers sifting through the water. It was really quiet in the pool house. The only sound was the hum of the pool pump and the occasional water gurgle.

"You were gone," I finally said.

Her eyes snapped up to look at me and her fingers slowed their movement.

"Last year at Christmas"—I nodded my head twice—"you were gone."

She looked back down at the water and began her movements again. "Yeah... I was at my dad's."

Silence between us again.

Crap, what was I going to talk to her about? It'd been too long and I was out of practice.

_Oh, oh! I remember._

"So, do you really live here?"

"Mmhmm." She slightly nodded.

"All year?"

"Mostly. At least once a year I try to go and visit my dad. I used to live with him."

"Really? But Mrs. Dwyer, she's your mom, right?"

"Yeah..."

And before I knew it, we had sat on those steps for over an hour and talked. I glanced up at the clock, and I was supposed to be back in my room in five minutes.

Plus my body was feeling all 'pruney,' but I really, really didn't want to leave.

But, I didn't want to upset my parents either. They had been known to ground me to my room, vacation or not.

"Um, it's almost ten. I have to go... my parents."

"Oh, yeah, sure. I think I'm going to swim for a little bit more."

"Okay. Uh, good night?" Why I was asking her that I had no idea.

"Yes. Good night, Edward."

I slowly went up the pool stairs and walked around the edge of the pool. I picked up my towel, wrapped it around me and slipped on my shoes.

I heard the water splash and looked behind me. She must have dove under the water because I couldn't see her anymore.

I went to push open the door at the same time she yelled, "Edward?" I quickly let the door handle go and turned around to look at her.

"Yeah?"

"I'll see you around tomorrow, right? I mean, you'll be here—around the house?"

I nodded my head. "As far as I know, I'll be here."

"Tomorrow, then?" She was hanging on the edge of the pool in the deep end, just her head and hands were above the side of the pool.

"Tomorrow," I agreed.

Then she disappeared and her feet kicked out of the top of the water as she back flipped into the pool.

I wasn't even sure my feet touched the ground as I ran back upstairs to my room. I quickly took a shower to wash off the chlorine and crawled into my bed.

I lay there and thought about all the things she'd told me.

Her mother and father divorced when she was three. Her mother remarried Phil Dwyer, who was a pitching coach for the Mariners. He was directly hit by a foul ball not long after marrying her mom. He began to have migraines and other problems and was released on disability.

Bella had lived with her father and his new wife, Sue, for four years while her mom and Phil bought and began to fix up the bed and breakfast.

Then right after Bella turned seven, Phil died in a car wreck. She'd said he had a seizure while he was driving and drove over a rock embankment. He died instantly, but the coroner said the seizure was probably because of his earlier head trauma.

Bella said she had felt really bad that her mom had to live alone so that was when she came to live with her. She said her mom was sad a lot, and Bella felt like it was her responsibility to stay around and keep her mother company.

I was shocked when Bella said she was home-schooled. I asked her why and she just shrugged, not really answering my question. I couldn't decide if she was happy about it or not.

I told her all about my family, and she listened intently as I spoke about my friends and school. Sometimes when I looked at her too long I'd forget what I was saying, and she'd just giggle.

But the longer I sat there and talked with her, the easier it became.

I liked spending time with her.

I sighed and rolled over and somehow, even as excited as I was, I finally fell asleep.

I didn't see Bella at breakfast, but at lunch she approached the long dining table before my parents were seated. "I talked to my mom, she said it was all right if I swam with you."

"Good," I answered, seeing her again made my stomach flip-flop.

"So..." She reached up and twirled her hair. "Wanna meet me again at the pool house... around eight tonight?"

"Yeah." I saw my mom peek her head around the corner and wink at me. "I'll be there at eight."

"Okay. See ya then, Edward," she said as she left.

"Bye," I practically stuttered.

My mom cleared her throat as she sat down beside me at the table.

_Here we go, _I thought as my mom began, "So... was that... your Bella?"

I just nodded, but inside I sighed, _Yes, that was definitely... my Bella._

***o0o***

We met every night in the pool house. We would swim in silence some and then we'd talk.

A week had passed and we were going to meet earlier tonight. It was supposed to storm later, and we wanted to get in our swimming time.

Bella brought a small net and ball that floated so we could play volleyball in the pool. We hit it back and forth as we talked. Soon we began to try and keep it away from one another, throwing the ball into the deep end and racing to retrieve it.

We reached the ball at the same time and I held it out of her reach. I swam back toward the shallow end and as soon as my toes could touch, I began to tip-toe along the bottom of the pool with the ball above my head. I felt her warm hands on my shoulders as she jumped behind me to try and reach it. A couple of times, her front came down on my back and it made my breath stop for a second.

About the sixth time she jumped up, I quickly turned around so when she landed, she was facing me. I had no idea what I was doing. I just wanted to see her up close.

She stopped moving as soon as she landed in front of me, and we were face to face.

The smile fell from her lips and her eyes were looking all over my face. Out of my peripheral vision I saw her hand rise. She looked at the top of my head and slowly her fingertips ran through my hair, pulling it back from being plastered to my forehead.

_Wow!_

"You have really nice hair for a boy," she said. Her voice was soft and quiet, she was almost whispering.

_Ohmylord, she's touching me._

Then the water slightly rippled as her hand fell back into it.

"Thanks." My voice was quiet too, and it cracked under my nerves.

Quickly she placed both her hands on the top of my shoulders. Her tongue slowly came out and wet her bottom lip. Then she leaned forward and for just a second, I was dizzy and thought I might pass out.

She held onto my shoulders and her lips were so close to my face. My eyes were tightly closed. I was too scared to look. I hadn't practiced kissing yet!

I felt her breath against my cheek, she was breathing fast. Then her lips were pressed against my cheek. She left them there for what felt like forever and I never wanted her to stop.

Too soon her hands slid off my shoulders and she stepped back. "I gotta go, Edward, good night."

Somehow I garbled "good night" but I still hadn't moved. I was pretty sure my brain was mush and my body was a blob of nothing. I couldn't move. Or think.

All I could do was smile.

She kissed me.

***o0o***

The next seven days went by pretty much the same way. I only got to see Bella at nigh. She said the summer was their busy season and she was helping out through the daytime hours.

We swam every night. We didn't kiss again, but we did touch each other a bunch. I mean, like our legs would touch or she would touch my arm, but it was never weird and it didn't make me nervous, but it did make my heart flutter.

I liked it.

I had stayed up almost the whole night packing and wondered how I was going to say good-bye to her. It'd be six months before I saw her again.

It felt like a punch to my gut when I thought about it, and once or twice I wanted to cry, but I didn't.

Mom told me to take some of our bags downstairs to the car.

As slow as a snail, I did what I was told. I was only making it harder on myself. I was going to leave—really soon, regardless of what I did.

I put the bags in the back of the rental and huffed as I walked back in the door.

"Edward?" I heard her voice but couldn't see her.

I felt a tug on the back of my shirt, and she pulled me into the closet in the front hall. It was a big closet, but it was dark. The only light was sneaking in from the crack under the door.

Her hands were on my sides, so I put mine on her sides too.

I wished I could see her face.

"I'm going to miss you," she said, and I think I heard her sniffle.

"I'm going to miss you too, Bella."

I felt her get closer. The front of our bodies were practically touching all the way down to the floor. Her hands moved upward and were soon loosely wrapped around my neck. Instinctively, I wound mine around her waist and closed my eyes.

I think I stopped breathing.

I briefly thought my heart might explode from beating too fast.

Then a bright white light flashed behind my closed lids because her lips were suddenly against mine. I was slightly panicked because I didn't know what to do and I was really, really excited because SHE WAS KISSING ME AGAIN!

Our lips just barely touched and I just figured I should follow her lead. I wondered if she'd done this before, she seemed to know what she was doing. But the longer our lips stayed together, I forgot to think at all.

Our lips stayed closed, just pressing against the other. Sweet and gentle.

We were both breathing fast like we did when we swam laps around the pool.

Then she hugged me and laid her face against my shoulder. It made me feel really close to her and it was like she belonged there—in my arms.

I liked it, almost as much as I liked kissing her.

We heard footsteps above us and she sniffed again.

"Please don't cry," I said as I turned my face into her hair.

"Stay in touch Edward."

"Wait," I begged as she began to back away from me.

She found my hand and slipped a piece of paper inside of it. Before I knew it she'd opened the door and took off running.

"Wait!" I yelled again and stepped out of the closet just long enough to meet my father's questioning stare. "Edward get out of that closet and go help your mother."

I looked past him but I didn't see Bella.

She was gone.

"Yes sir," I pouted.

I looked down at the paper in my hand and slipped it into my pocket. My lips felt dry and I licked them, momentarily forgetting where they had just been. Her taste on my lips was now inside my mouth and it made me smile. I reached up and rubbed my lips remembering our kiss and wishing to never forget it.

With a new energy I ran up the stairs, skipping every other step.

Too soon we were in the car and driving away from the Dwyer House. I kept looking back to get a glimpse of her, but I never did.

Feeling sad and defeated, I slid down in my seat and the paper crinkled in my pocket.

I couldn't get it out fast enough.

I almost ripped it as I hastily unfolded it.

_Edward,_

_I will miss you. I had fun._

_This was the best summer ever._

_Please keep in touch with me._

_I like you a lot._

(She drew little hearts by her name) _~Bella_.

I read it over and over and over. Then I turned it over to the other side and there was an email address and a phone number written on the back.

I held the paper close to my heart and smiled.

This WAS the best summer ever!

_****I'll be right beside you, because we're friends. ~Mickey Mouse****_


	4. Natural Beauty

_A hundred days have made me older_  
_Since the last time that I saw your pretty face_  
_A thousand lies have made me colder_  
_And I don't think I can look at this the same_

_But all the miles that separate_  
_Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face_

_I'm here without you baby_  
_But you're still on my lonely mind_  
_I think about you baby_  
_And I dream about you all the time_

_I'm here without you baby_  
_But you're still with me in my dreams_  
_And tonight it's only you and me..._

_Here Without You ~ 3 Doors Down _

* * *

**~ Edward, age 19**

**11 months after leaving Bella ~**

If six months ago, someone would've told me that it'd get easier to live without her, I would've laughed in their face. I knew of no way possible that the throbbing hole in my heart would ever relent in it's torture; it would always ache for what I'd thrown away.

Really the pain never did completely dissipate, but I began to notice that some days I didn't think of her much, and other days she didn't grace my thoughts at all. Granted those day were few, but it happened.

I ended up feeling guilty on those days when she wasn't on my mind. In the least, I owed her that... because she loved me – she really did, and I loved her – more than anything.

_Still do with what's left of me._

Somehow, the days became weeks, and those weeks marked off the calendar were months gone by and I tried not to add them up. The last thing I wanted was to add finality to the elapsed time, to be able to measure it. My soul knew no difference of a day or a year, a minute or twenty fours hours – it was all the same.

I'd left her.

She wasn't mine anymore.

_But she still owned my heart..._

I'd been drifting city to city, finding odd jobs to make a little cash to get me by and then move on. I never desired to stay in one place very long; they all felt... wrong.

For the past two months I'd been staying in Richmond, Kentucky; it was a good little party town. At least there were plenty of college women to occupy my time.

So many different women, I was thankful I wasn't counting. There was never cuddling, or kissing, or awkward morning-afters. All of them were just a quick fuck or a blow job, I'd take whatever I could get.

I didn't even want to know their names, the less personable the better. It was just an empty release, and each time I hoped that maybe it would change. It'd been nice if afterward I could still experience that post-sex euphoria, that feeling of bliss and ecstasy that lodges in the soul and radiates through your body making you glow.

I never did.

I only grew angrier and possibly more lonely. It wasn't the sex that was lacking; it was the emotions tied to it – or more importantly, the lack there of. I needed to find a way to lower my expectations and accept that I would never have that again.

So the nameless women just became a distraction – and did I ever need distractions! My landscaping job wasn't always enough of one, and the alcohol never numbed the pain completely. The underground 'script meds were pretty fucking nice, but the sadness was always there, looming over me like a thick fog after a summer rain.

Non penetrable, no light strong enough to dissolve it, not even the blinding rays of the desert sun.

No matter the company, I was always lonesome.

For the past week, every day when I clocked in at the office, the six digits on my time card made my hands tremble. _The date_. My heart would pound, and I could feel my blood racing through my fingers, making my fingertips tingle.

Three more days and it'd be a year.

A whole year since I'd fingered her silky hair.

...Since I'd kissed her perfect lips.

...Since I'd heard her whisper my name.

...Since I'd looked into her eyes and promised her the world.

...And lied – to her and to myself.

I wondered if they made a Hallmark card for that shit. The day you threw away your future? Broke your lover's heart? Milestones were fucking stupid anyway. I didn't need a damned reminder of a day that was somehow the best and the worst day of my life.

But the anniversary came anyway. I couldn't shake the uneasy panic in my gut.

I barely found the will to get out of my bed, and I didn't go to work that day.

Instead I walked – to nowhere. I walked until my feet ached and blisters formed on the backs of my heels.

Then I walked some more.

No one stopped to offer me a ride. I didn't want one.

I walked for two days and nights, but in my mind, the calendar day never ended. It'd still been exactly a year – 365 tormenting, burdening, Hell-on-Earth days.

8,760 long hours.

525,600 agonizing minutes.

31,536,000 piercing seconds, and I hated every single one of them.

_Had she noticed the date? Did she ever think of me? Had she moved on? _

I'd never know.

To top it off, I'd lost her picture four months ago. I was driving with the windows down and a gust of wind blew through the car and her photo floated out into the dark night. I never could find it, and I felt like I'd lost her all over again.

So now all I had were my memories.

And my dreams.

I found a spot to rest atop a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. The rising sun had cast its orange reflection onto the rippling water below.

I finally allowed myself to sit down in the serenity of my surroundings and I rested in the palm of Mother Nature. But as I exhaled I just felt so empty. I had nothing, and I wondered why I was even still attempting to survive.

Stepping out in front of a speeding bus or taking a stomach full of pills often crossed my mind, and I never fully ruled it out. But that'd mean I was just as weak as him and I wasn't – not yet anyway.

I was still doubtful that I could live out the rest of my life like this – to feel this depressed, to not to have anything to look forward to, to hate the whole goddamned world so much. Was it worth getting out of bed every day? Pretending to smile? Every fucking day living and breathing and showering and sleeping – trying to just get by, and for what? _The hell if I knew. _

Twelve months weren't enough to get over her, and, honestly, I never wanted to. I deserved to live like this, broken and defeated, for however longer I continued to live this pathetic life...

...Because no matter what, she'd always be my girl.

***~o0o~***

* * *

**~ Edward, age 12 ~**

Bella and I had been emailing each other almost every day since she'd shared her email address with me two years ago. I'd been too chicken to call her. She'd said it was best anyway if we just emailed, she was often busy at the B&B.

I was thankful for that too. It never made me nervous staring into that computer screen and typing what was on my mind, and it was really easy to be honest. I could even ask and say whatever I wanted, well – almost.

We learned everything about each other, and I thought of her as my best friend. She knew every little thing about me, and she still liked me in spite of it all.

I knew all about her too, and I thought she was amazing. She did her school work on her own, without even being told! She didn't get to see her Dad much, and she never seemed sad about it. She helped out her Mom everyday at the B&B. She even said that she'd thought it was fun and that someday she'd probably own it herself.

Like I'd said, amazing!

But I also knew that she wished she could go to a normal school instead of being home schooled. I think she missed out on having friends, I was really the only one she had. She'd said she wished she could attend things like school dances, parties, and stuff. I told her she wasn't missing anything, or at least I didn't think so.

Because I hated for her to be sad, I tried to include her in everything I did. I mean, I told her about it anyway. Whatever happened with me at school, at sports practice, or at church; I always wrote her a small email at the end of the day and shared it with her. She'd said it made her really happy and that she'd just live through me – whatever that meant.

At least once a week she'd call me when she had some free time. It wasn't as easy to talk to her on the phone. Mostly we'd just sit there and listening to each other breathe, but I still liked it. I always looked forward to her phone calls.

We still visited the Dwyer House every Christmas and summer, and every time I'd see Bella she just got prettier and prettier. It sounded so nuts, but she really did take my breath away and I couldn't believe she was my girl.

This last Christmas vacation, for some reason, whenever we were together, it was just … effortless. I mean, my hands were still sweaty and sometimes I had to take a deep breath because I felt like I was going to barf, but we could just sit and talk for hours and then sometimes, we didn't talk much at all and that was all right too.

We just wanted to spend time together; I even helped her out around the huge house doing her chores.

Hanging out with her was just like it was hanging out with my friends that were boys, except that it was way better and I was always ready to do it again as soon as possible.

I really liked her, and I was pretty sure she felt the same way about me.

My parents took us to a dinner and a movie together on our first real date. I even held Bella's hand all night, and it was real special. I begged my mom to take us out again before we left, and she just laughed at me and told me to take it slow. What did that mean?

This time before we left, Bella and I spent the whole day together, and I held her hand again. I even rubbed over her knuckles when she started to cry about me leaving. I promised her we'd talk or email still every day, and I meant it. I wished I knew how to tell her how much I liked her; instead I kissed her cheek and told her that I'd miss her too. And I knew I would. I always did, even when she was just a few floors away – I missed her.

***~o0o~***

* * *

**~ Edward, age 13 ~**

This summer at the Dwyer House, when I was around Bella, she made more than just my belly twirl. I felt it in other places too, and it kind of freaked me out.

I found myself staring at her boobs, even though they weren't that big. I just couldn't look away.

And when she wore shorts, I noticed that her legs were really curvy and nice and if I was being honest, I wanted to touch them.

She'd sit really close to me on the couch, and it'd make me breathe harder.

I think Bella felt it too, I mean, sometimes when I looked into her eyes, they'd get really big and dark, and it was like she wanted to say something to me, but she never did.

I wished I could read her mind.

If she was nervous around me, I couldn't tell it. She was always standing or sitting really close to me, and touching my arm or my back, linking our arms together, or putting her feet in my lap. She said she loved to smell me, which I thought was really weird, but I didn't say anything. I knew she sometimes smelled good too, but I never did sniff her on purpose.

She also loved to run her fingers though my hair and carried on about how cute it was, and she liked how soft it felt. And oh my god, I never pulled away, because it really felt good – _almost too good if you know what I mean. _

Maybe it was because we touched all the time, but we were very comfortable around each other. There was nothing we couldn't talk about or say to one another.

That was really cool too.

We held hands every chance we could. Once we were in the recreation room downstairs, there was a baseball game on the television, and no one else was around. My Dad had just went upstairs to get us a drink, and Bella came over and sat in my lap. I froze in my seat. I didn't know where I was supposed to put my hands or what I was supposed to do. She leaned back against my chest and turned her head to my ear. "Do you like this Edward?" she asked.

I thought I might die, because I did like it - a lot.

But I was frozen stupid, and all I could do was nod my head.

"I like it too," she whispered before softly kissing my cheek.

She then slid over onto the couch to sit beside me, and I pondered how many minutes it'd take for my heart to slow down and beat normal again.

I'm not sure how long it was before I finally could turn my head to look at her. I noticed her face was flush too. She looked at me and winked. I smiled really big at her, and I wanted to kiss her, like, for real.

But about that time, my dad walked back in, and Bella turned to put her feet in my lap. Feeling bold, I laid my hands on her shins and winked back at her.

Then it looked like her chest was rising and falling faster than normal, and I wondered if she felt the same surge of tingles inside her body that I always seemed to be feeling in mine when we touched.

As we sat there and tried not to look at each other, I realized what those tingles meant – I wanted to touch her, and I wanted her to touch me. Holding her hand, or laying my fingers on her legs, or our arms joined together, connected us in a basic way that made me feel good, happy... full.

And made me want to do it more.

The day before I was to leave, Bella planned us a picnic in the small meadow outside of the house. It was just going to be us two, and I was sort of nervous. Should I kiss her, like really-really kiss her? I knew she hadn't ever kissed anyone either, and we wanted our first times to be together. But was I ready? I didn't know. How do you know you're ready?

We ate our homemade pimento cheese sandwiches, and I was so glad Bella didn't add onions or peppers to it. It was really good.

We ate some fruit and cookies, and then we just sat on the blanket and talked.

I was still thinking about kissing her as I watched her mouth move; it was really tempting.

We decided to take a walk, and we found this clover field that was just so pretty. I'd never seen a small hill with clover blooming everywhere like that.

Bella sat down on a bare spot in the middle of the field and pulled my hand to sit beside her.

My back began to ache the longer I sat there, so I laid down and folded my hands behind my head. Bella reclined beside me and rested her head in the crook of my arm. I stretched my arm out and curled it around her shoulder, and she reached up and linked our fingers together.

We laid there for a long time in silence and watched the clouds float over us in the sky.

All I could think of was how nice this was.

"Edward, can I ask you something?" Bella asked in a quiet voice.

"Sure."

"Am I your girlfriend?"

"Yeah – I mean... I hope you are." I started to get nervous because I didn't know what she was going to ask next.

"Do you want another one?" There was hesitation in her voice.

"Uh..."

"I mean, Edward, do you want a girlfriend that... like, you go to school with or something? Because I understand if you do."

I couldn't answer her fast enough. "No Bella, I don't."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'm sure. I wish you lived closer to me, of course, but you're the only girl I want to be my girl, Bella."

"Really?" I could tell she was smiling without even seeing her face.

"Really. What about you Bella, do you..." I couldn't even say the words.

"Oh Lord no," she giggled, "there's only you Edward. You're the only one."

When she said that, I got that funny feeling down deep in my belly again.

"Will you promise me something, Edward?"

"Maybe, I mean I'll try my best. What is it?"

"Will you always be honest with me? Tell me the truth, ya' know. If someday you don't want to my boyfriend anymore, will you please just tell me? Or if some girl asks you out or something, I want to know. Okay? Just don't keep things from me."

"Yeah. I will. I mean, I won't..."

"No, Edward, listen." She rolled over and propped up on her elbows to look me in the face. "Please, don't ever lie to me; that'd break my heart." Her bottom lip puckered out a little and it was really, REALLY cute.

I almost couldn't look away from her lips as I slowly shook my head and I never wanted to hurt her. "I promise, Bella, to always tell you the truth. I never want to hurt you. Ever."

She closed her eyes and leaned forward, and, before I even had time to think about what we were doing, her lips were on mine. Our lips barely opened and closed against the other with each breath we took. I could taste her inside my mouth, and I think my mouth was watering.

I wanted to put my arms around her and hold her close, but was that what I was supposed to do?

She laid her hand on my cheek, pulled her lips back and rested her forehead against mine, "Edward, I-I think I love you."

My heart felt like it was swelling out of my chest and my stomach was doing somersaults. My palms were sweaty and all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around her and kiss her some more!

"Bella... I think I love you, too," I said through my smile. It felt so right to say it. I'd been thinking it for awhile, and I'm pretty sure that's what this was – love.

"Edward, I know we're young, but I hope we stay together for a long time," Bella said, resting back on my arm.

"Yeah, me too, Bella... me too."

_A very long time, forever even._

**~*o0o~***

_***The first symptom of love in a young man is shyness; the first symptom in a woman, it's boldness.* **_

_**~Victor Hugo**_

* * *

_Sigh.._

_I originally told myself I WAS NOT going to bore you to death with long-ass author's notes BUT... since you're already here..._

_*Please don't hate about them being young, I have a 11 & 14 yo sons & I'm trying to keep it real here, BUT this ExB feel the real thing and they WILL push the envelope. Seriously. When I write them, I'm trying to keep to their age & their long distance situation, yes they're more mature than most their age, but so was I._

_*I wasn't going to warn you - At All - about what is coming up, but I will anyway, a little bit. There will be some dark themes ahead, maybe hard stuff to read, difficult situations, but they wont last too long. As of right now, in 3 chapters you'll know mostly what happened to Edward & he'll be standing on the steps of the Dwyer House in the rain, knocking on Bella's door after being gone six years, so stay with me._

_*As you know if you read my other fic - Almost Doesn't Count, even though this is fiction, I try & keep it real as much as I can, meaning I don't make it all fluff & rainbows b/c that's not how life is (or mine anyway). This fic will be no different._

_Thank Fragile for A LOT for this chapter, I'm bad. Enuff said. And I know that every other sentences is a run-on sentence, I'm aware. Just pretend that's how Edward talks, K? Hugs to Becky too!_

_Link for above song & a picture of a clover field on my profile._

_Twitter: Mrs_Robward_

_Thanks for reading,_

_~Stacy_


	5. Lonely Tree

**DISCLAIMER: TWILIGHT IS NOT MINE. NOT AT ALL. BOO! **

But I do own the author's note below that is almost the same length as this chapter, Please read it!

* * *

_Yes indeed, I'm alone again.  
And here comes emptiness crashing in.  
It's either love or hate,__I can't find in between,'cause I've been with witches and I've been with a queen._

_It wouldn't have worked out anyway.  
So now it's just another lonely day.  
Further along we just may.  
But for now it's just another lonely day..._

_Another Lonely Day ~ Ben Harper  


* * *

_

**~Edward, age 20, **

**15 months after leaving Bella~ **

I was done with this.

I'd made the fucking decision to leave HER. I couldn't let her have dominion over my thoughts any longer. The memories of her were like a leech sucking the life right out of me. I had to find a way to hide her away in my soul, down deep beside my mother's warm embraces and my father's approving smiles.

I'd left her for a reason; it was for the fucking best. So that was that! I was over it. It was time to get on with my life. End of discussion.

***~o0o~*

* * *

**

**~Edward, age 23**

**5 years after leaving Bella~**

Sometimes I couldn't help but wonder, "How in the hell did I get here?" Although, in reality, I already knew the answer.

Working behind the bar was a job. It was decent money, but it wasn't something I wanted to brag about. There was a time in my life I would had never pictured myself here – doing this – settling for... less.

Or maybe it was just that sometimes I thought about what I should been doing at this stage in my life. I should have been in college, working toward my masters. Listening to my parents proudly brag about my accomplishments while my girl planned our wedding. The house with the white picket fence, two dogs, three cats, and an empty baby's room awaiting me.

The future that could have been was now just a distant fantasy, practically a vision only seen through a dream. I'd purposefully gotten lost and took every detour so that even if I'd wanted to, I'd never be able to find my way back to what might have been. Now my biggest concern was how much longer I could hold out in this godforsaken shit-hole before moving on to the next.

I continued to wipe down the counter top and a familiar hand stopped my movements.

"Edward." Tanya purred when my eyes met hers.

"Good evening, Tanya. What can I get for you?" I didn't have to ask; I knew what she wanted. She'd be begging me to pull her hair and cum down her throat twenty minutes after I closed the bar.

Her manicured fingernails began to graze a circle over the top of my hand. "Well, Seth's out of town for the weekend and... I thought you might want a place to crash for a few nights?"

I quickly snatched my hand up from under hers and roughly grabbed her wrist. I pulled her across the bar top toward me, and her breath smelled faintly of vodka.

"It'd be my pleasure," I whispered, although it wouldn't really. Her eyes darted down to my lips and I could feel her pulse quicken on her petite wrist.

"Meet me back here in an hour." I commanded her, just the way she liked it.

I let go of her wrist, and her fingers went straight to her lips as she panted. She smiled an mischievous grin and took a few steps backwards. I had a tug in my stomach, and I knew what that meant. She was becoming too familiar – a bad habit even.

I didn't really want to spend a few nights with her, but what else did I have to do?

***~o0o~***

I glanced up at the clock. There was only about ten more minutes left in my shift; she'd be back soon. I pulled out a glass, tossed in a few ice cubes, and filled it to the rim with Wild Turkey. I drank maybe four more. The burn of the smooth liquid heated my throat and, not long after, had my nerves tingling. _Why in the fuck am I getting drunk just so I can endure Tanya? _

"You ready?" She asked.

I nodded, and then a cold shiver ran through me..._and it wasn't the good kind either. _

***~o0o~***

I couldn't have been more happy to wake up the next morning to an empty bed. Granted, the pounding in my head was enough to make me want to throw myself in front of a train, but at least she wasn't there. That would've only made it hurt worse.

I rolled over and was accosted by her scent lingering on the pillow. Bile rose up in my throat, and I ran into the bathroom.

After calling Ralph numerous times on the porcelain phone and taking a fast shower, I found my clothes on the bedroom floor and quickly got dressed. She'd left a note on the bedside table saying she went to the store for food and would be back soon. She'd drawn little smiley-faces by her name, and I shivered again.

The best thing about last night was that I couldn't remember a damned thing.

Tanya and Seth lived right beside the campus of Virginia Tech. She worked in administration, and he was a Professor. He traveled giving lectures, and she got her freak-on with half of the male student body and, unfortunately, me.

I had to get out of there. I couldn't endure a whole weekend of her; actually I didn't care if I ever saw her again. There was no doubt; it was time to move on. Everything here was now boring me, and I needed something, anything, to occupy my thoughts.

It was the Friday, the Fourth of July. There was something going on at the nearby park between her house and campus. I could hear the roar of a crowd and the beat of some drums. A parade maybe?

_Why not?_

I took off walking toward the park. The smell of hot dogs and cotton candy wafted past me, and I stopped in my tracks.

Then whether I wanted to or not, my eyes closed and I remembered...

Bella.

We'd attended an art and crafts fair once when she visited me in Seattle, God, we had such a good time together.

Just then the sun warmed my face, and I smiled.

It'd been a while since I'd thought about her, really since I'd allowed myself to remember her...or us, or any part of my past.

I took a deep breath and continued walking toward the park. I couldn't help but wonder why I didn't think about her more often. The times we'd spent together were some of the best of my life. Everything was better then, even after my life had begun to crumble around me. She could always lift me up and make me happy to be alive.

What I wouldn't give for an ounce of that – that feeling in my life right now.

I entered the park and found a bench in the shade to rest. The bright sunlight was amplifying my headache, and I quickly realized I was so tired...

A loud squeal caused me to almost fall off the park bench, and I sat straight up in fear. I must have dozed off, and the park had since filled with people. Lots of people.

I stood and stretched and looked around for a drink vendor.

I paused to read the poster of all today's activities while I drank my Coke. A parade... a live band... a bunch of shit for kids... a jump rope performance... 5k road marathon... turtle races ...and fireworks.

I thought about staying around to listen to the band play, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to battle the crowd or not.

I walked a little longer before finding a tree to lean against. I saw where they were setting up a stage for the band to play across the lawn from me.

I surveyed all the people around me. Everyone seemed to be so... loud and in such a rush. It was almost annoying.

I looked to my right and noticed the road race was getting ready to begin. Hundreds of people in short shorts and head-bands were waiting behind a yellow starting line. A marching band was lined up to their right to march beside them as they ran.

An old man lifted a gun and fired off a blank, and the race started with a bang. I took a step back out of their way, and then my eyes drifted straight ahead. Then as plain as day across the lawn I saw her.

Bella.

I could feel the pounding of the runners feet as they came closer, but I couldn't move. My first thought was that it was just a mirage... that couldn't be her. But then she turned to face me, and our eyes briefly met.

It was undeniable.

My skin prickled, and somehow I felt her.

Her eyes squinted, and a look of confusion crossed her face.

I dropped my drink and panicked.

_Bella?_

She was standing under a large tree with a book open in her hand. I quickly looked at her surroundings.

Had she been there all along? Sitting under that tree reading a book? Close enough for me to run over and hug her? Touch her? Talk. To. Her? Right...there?

Right! There!

My heart hammered in my chest in rhythm with the wave of oncoming people, but the beats were slow and lethargic. All the sounds around me were silenced to a hush, only a thud... thud... thud echoed in my ears and vibrated through my bones. It was surreal.

Then suddenly I was pushed backward as the wall of people bulldozed into me.

My view of her became obstructed, and I began to jump up to see over the people. I hopped and moved the opposite way of the runners, and I could feel the agitation in me building. As I bounced, I caught glimpses of her. She was hugging another girl... There was another guy with them... They were folding up a blanket... She looked back, maybe searching for me?

But I wasn't there.

_I was here!_

"Bella!" I began to scream and fail my arms in succession with my jumps hoping to catch her attention.

"Bella!"

It was useless. She couldn't hear me over the band, and with all the commotion, it was nearly impossible for her to see me.

But I didn't give up.

I quickened my steps against the crowd to find the end of the marathon. At the same time I kept leaping up to keep her in my sight.

_She was walking away._ "Wait! Bel-la!"

With a renewed intensity, I fought the on-lookers and the runners. I twisted and turned through the cluster of bodies, and then, as I stumbled through the masses, I realized I was praying for her to still be there.

_It'd been a long time since I prayed for anything. _

I finally reached an opening through the people, and ran toward her. I couldn't see her, but I hadn't lost track of the tree she'd been standing under either. There had to be two thousand people in this small park, and now every single one of them decided to stop right in front of me. It was all I could do to not push them out of my way.

I was out of breath, and my muscles burned, but it wasn't enough for me to slow down.

My pessimistic reasoning began to try to talk myself out of finding her. A hundred reasons why I should turn around away from her ran through my mind.

But not one of them mattered.

I reached the tree, and there was no sign of Bella. Then, like the masochistic that I was, I leaned back against the tree and inhaled the air around me trying to detect her scent. I placed my palms against the tree bark longing to find that maybe a bit of her essence had been left behind for me.

Through my agitation and panic, hopelessness and anger began to surface. I stepped away from the tree and spun in a slow circle scanning the crowd for any sign of her.

I suddenly felt very, very lost.

And alone.

It was like the past five years had been erased just by me catching a glimpse of her, and now I'd lost her all over again.

"Fuck!" My fist slammed into the tree, and pain ricocheted up my arm. I dug at my hair, and I was overwhelmed with a feeling of defeat.

Then I took off in a sprint. I'd cover every inch of this park, this campus, whatever I had to do to find her. Bella was here...I could still feel her under my skin.

***~o0o~***

It had to be after midnight. I slumped against her tree and slid down to collapse on the ground.

The park had cleared out, and just a few people remained.

The emotional toil of the day had left me lifeless.

I was left with such turmoil flowing through me; I didn't know how to move on from it.

I thought I was over her. I knew I'd always love her, she'd always be so very special to me, but I figured time had released the hold she had over me.

I was dead wrong.

Seeing her again awakened in me everything I'd tried so hard to hide. It was like she had broken the dam that I'd built up. She'd tossed a lighted match into my soul and began to burn all the emotions I'd tucked away.

Need.

Longing.

Desire.

Joy.

Love.

But now, here I was left with nothing to hold onto, nothing but loneliness.

She was gone. Again.

All I knew was that somehow I had to find a way to recover from this. My soul needed repair from the tease of her closeness I'd encountered today.

If I didn't find a way to move on, I'd never survive another lonely day.

***~o0o~***

_**~ Trying to forget someone who you love is like trying to remember someone who you never knew. ~

* * *

**_

Well? What's Edward going to do now? Did Bella really see him?

Remember all people, places, & circumstances are fiction.

I'm a little antsy about how this fic is going to be accepted. My expectations are too high after ADC. Sorry for the fade-to-black w/Edward & Tanya getting it on, I just couldn't go there... I was going to, but I couldn't stomach it. *shiver* I have serious writers DOUBT & sometimes I just wanna scrap it all & go into hiding. But... on a happier note I can not EFFIN wait to get to the BxE reunion! Sooooo with that in mind...

For those of you that feel the same way, I expanded the prologue to be teased on a brand new fic Blog this Sunday! Yes, it's Edward standing in the rain on Bella's door step & she...

...It will be posted at the Twi Fic Hall of Fame blog: www. twifichof. wordpress. com. I'll tweet the deets or just go there & read it yourself. I'll also link it on my profile after it posts. While your there, read my interview & leave us a comment!

Special thanks goes out to afragilelittlehuman. She's 1 of my twatter besties & my pre-reader/beta for this fic. She writes a Jake/Ness/Seth one - The Power of Wriggling, that I just can't wait to see what happens, its on my fav list. She writes a slash fic too ::whispers:: _but I don't read it_ & yet she loves me anyway!

I also put myself up for bid for the upcoming Eclipse FGB event. I'm offering a one shot, it can be an expansion/outtake of ANY of my posted fics or something original – YOU chose. Also a chance to be my pre-reader. So please if you like me, bid on me or I will die of embarrassment. Like for serious!

Twitter: Mrs_Robward

Talk to me ppl!

~Stacy


	6. Competition

**~Edward, age 16**

Bella was the perfect girlfriend, well, in my opinion she was. Not that I'd had any girlfriends to compare her to, but I'd heard the talk from the guys at school. They said their girls nagged and bitched at them all the time. They said their girlfriends wouldn't talk about sex much less put out very often. But not my Bella, she wasn't shy talking about sex and stuff, she may even talk about it more often than I did, which was really hot.

Even though our time together was limited, there was no doubt that when we were alone, we took advantage of it completely. After the things we'd already experienced together, I don't think she'd ever turn me down just to be a bitch. On the other hand, we'd yet to have a real argument and she'd never, ever fussed at me about petty things. Like I said she was perfect and most importantly, she was absolutely beautiful – her mind, body, and soul.

Best of all, she was mine.

We emailed each other everyday and when we weren't busy with other things, we were instant messaging online. I hated the miles between us, so I tried not to dwell on them and let our distance apart bring me down. At least I always had something to look forward to. Once in the summer and once in the winter, vacation time would come and two weeks would pass us by in the blink of an eye. It was silly, but I'd always miss her before we even had to say goodbye. Seeing her just twice a year wasn't enough. It was never enough.

Maybe it was because we became so comfortable together. We'd steal every chance we could to be alone - to kiss, to touch and just hold each other. Our physical relationship was always hidden from our parents, the most we displayed in front of them was holding hands. But I'd never forget the times when we'd sneak off to steal some privacy. Our hands wandered as our kisses intensified with each touch. Passion poured from our lips and we were always left gasping for breath. The lick of her tongue against mine made electricity shoot through my body all the way down to my balls and I'd clench up and moan. Every. Single. Time.

Best of all, I never felt awkward or inadequate with her either. It was an even playing field, we were learning all this boyfriend-girlfriend stuff together, _and it sure was fun!_

**~0x0x0x0~**

This past year, we didn't go to the Dwyer House for Christmas, and I was so pissed off. I begged my folks to just buy me a plane ticket to Colorado so I could see Bella for my Christmas present, but they wouldn't give in. So for weeks I sat in my room and pouted. My mother came in everyday trying to talk to me in her sweet-motherly-tone to get on my good side, but I didn't want to hear it.

It was my Dad's fault. He'd always let his work come before everything else. I couldn't have cared less that he was adding a partner to his family practice and we were staying in town so they could finalize the deal.

_Big fucking deal. _

For years now it'd always been that the holiday season was something I got to share with Bella and it just didn't seem fair to be robbed of that. Ever.

New Year's Eve my fathers new associate, Dr. Banner and his family ate dinner with us. His son, Jeff was around my age, maybe a year younger, but he was just plain weird. He never spoke or looked up from the ground. Maybe he was slow or a retard, I wasn't sure. Whatever his problem was I didn't dwell on it much, I was too busy missing her soft lips against mine, my hands holding onto her small waist, her hair tickling my face when she sat in my lap. I was too occupied missing Bella.

Missing Us.

Dr. Banner and his family were around a lot the next few days and I didn't like it. I couldn't stand the way he spoke to my mother, it was like he was seducing her with the tone of his voice. I didn't appreciate the way he seemed to kiss my father's ass every second of the day. I didn't like the way Jeff tensed up every time his father came near him. But mostly, I didn't like the way he looked at me, it was like he was sizing me up or something.

When Dr. Banner was in the same room with me, the hairs on the back of my neck would stand on end. My palms would get clammy and I felt the urge to flee from him without even knowing why. But I knew I couldn't stand to look him in the face and I wished he'd never look my way either. It made me really uncomfortable to feel his distrustful gaze directed at me. I had the oddest feeling that Dr. Banner was bad news. _How could my father not notice it? _

The creepiness of Dr. Banner and his family only solidified my desire to stay holed up in my room, dreaming of being with Bella instead of the freakin' Adams family my parents were now all buddy-buddy with.

**~0x0x0x0~**

My mother softly knocked on my door. I was just getting ready to check my email. It was Valentine's Day and I was feeling the blues. The miles between Bella and I felt more like impassable continents on days like today. We should be going out on a date, I'd be giving her some cheezy gift, and a pink card that read how much I cared about her. I'd get to hold her hand, kiss her lips, and maybe even touch other parts of her lush body. That's what boyfriends were supposed to do on Valentine's Day. They don't just email their loves, or call them on the phone - it was a day to celebrate love and to spend time together.

But not us.

"Hey Mom," I plopped down on the bed and hugged my pillow. I didn't like feeling this... depressed and I just wanted this day to be over with already.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Edward." She handed me a long, red envelope.

"You too Mom. Thanks." I flipped the edge of the envelope on my leg a few times. The guilt of taking out my frustration on my mother weighed on my shoulders. I knew it wasn't her fault. I loved a girl that didn't live close to me. It was what it was, so I had to deal with the consequences. Mom was just an convenient target for my irritation.

"I'm sorry that I've been so moody lately. It's just... hard ya' know?" I puffed out my cheeks and slowly exhaled.

"Edward, I know. Everything seems to be so tough when you're sixteen. It'll get better, and when it does you'll appreciate it all the more. Now open your card. I want to watch you read it."

I nodded and slowly opened it. I hoped she wasn't expecting me to cry like a sap over some mushy mother-son poem. It wasn't going to happen.

As soon as I pulled out the rectangular card from the red envelope another envelope fell to the floor. I looked up at my mother as she watched me curiously.

I bent down and picked it up. "What's this?"

"Open it,"she whispered, "it might make you feel better."

In black bold letters, the envelope read 'Northwest Airlines.'

Surely they didn't buy me...? "Is this?" I felt my excitement building as I looked at my mother. "Mom?"

"I love you, Edward and your father loves you too. We're sorry about Christmas, Honey. Happy Valentine's Day."

I threw the papers down on my bed and practically tackled her with a hug. "Really? I get to go? You're so right, I do feel better, Mom. Thank you so much."

She laughed and rubbed my back. "Now listen. I know there are many things we have to discuss between now and then. Rules and such. You have a round trip ticket for Colorado for Bella's birthday on March the fourth. You leave on Thursday and return on Monday. You'll have to get your school work completed before you go. I've already spoken to Renee, she agreed you could visit and stay there without us. But..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, details later okay? Does Bella know?" I rudely interrupted her rant, but come on! I needed to talk to Bella. My mother and I had plenty of time to cover all this later.

"I don't think so, I didn't tell Renee for sure if we were going to bu-"

I jumped up and raced over to the computer. "Will you please tell her not to? I want to surprise Bella." My fingers would barely work as I tried to log in to Skype to see if Bella was available.

"Sure, I'll call her tomorrow. But Edward, you know we have to sit down and talk-"

"I know Mom, I know. Just not right now okay? It's Valentines Day and I wanna talk to my girl." I flashed her my best innocent smile and prayed she would just quietly leave the room with no more speeches. Not tonight.

I hugged her neck again as she walked past me. "Thanks again, Mom. It's exactly what I wanted."

"I know, Edward. You're welcome. Good night and don't be up too late."

"No ma'am, I won't."

"I love you."

"You too Mom, thanks."

**~0x0x0x0~**

The next few weeks between us were a little tense. It was hard for me not to just go ahead and tell her about my upcoming visit, but I really did want to surprise her.

It didn't help matters any that I became a little jealous- well, a lot jealous. Every so often Bella would tell me that the B&B was doing really well. Renee had transformed my favorite vacation spot to a five star hideaway that was booking up months in advance. There were celebrities, politicians, and all sorts of famous people sometimes renting the entire place to themselves.

Bella was laughing one evening when she called me. She said there was some teen heartthrob staying for a few days and that his career had to be some sort of joke. I really didn't care who it was, but I do remember his last name sounded like 'beaver.' She mentioned that she didn't like his music, he wasn't very good looking up close, and that he needed a haircut.

I soon changed the subject asking her what she wanted for her birthday. She answered shyly that all she wanted was to see me. The smile on my face almost cracked my cheeks in half because I was going to be able to give her what she wanted, but I didn't want to show up without an actual gift.

The next day at the lunch table, my friend Ben asked me what Bella was up to. He was one of my best friends and knew that talking about Bella was my favorite subject of conversation. I told him all about how popular the B&B was getting and I may have dropped a name or two to make it sound really good.

Then I asked him about the beaver kid and every person at our table silenced at once and all eyes were on me. "What?"

"Did you say Bieber? As in Justin? Bieber?" Angela asked me.

"I guess, I really didn't pay attention to what his name was. Why?"

"Oh my God, Edward! You don't know who Justin Bieber is? Well let me say this: if Bella is hanging out with guys like him, I hope you're up for a little competition."

"Whatever Angela, you're just jealous."

_I really need to find out who this kid is._

"Yeah! You're right. I am jealous of Bella, especially if she gets to sleep under the same roof as him." Then she smugly raised her eyebrows because she knew she had me.

_Shit!_

Right after lunch, I faked a stomach ache and called my mother to come and get me from school. I told her I just felt lying down in my room so maybe she'd leave me alone.

When I got home, I went straight to my room and locked my door. I powered on my desk top and patiently waited.

Then I Googled and I Wiki'd. I read and read, and the more I read, the more my stomach rose up into my throat. I really did have the urge to puke now.

Angela was absolutely right, I couldn't compare with him! He was a star. Females hurt each other just to be in his presence and here he was staying in a house with my Bella. She was probably serving him meals and making his bed. Laughing at his jokes and listening to him play the piano and sing!

_Hell no!_

I immediately picked up the phone to call the Dwyer House and talk to Bella. I had to know what she was doing right this second. The green-eyed monster was perched on my shoulder and kept whispering in my ear all the things they could be doing 'together.'

Mrs. J answered the main line and told me Bella was busy at the moment, so I asked her to please give Bella a message to call me as soon as she could.

She didn't call.

Twenty minutes later I called her again. Mrs. J sounded annoyed and said that Bella was still tied up. I told her it was important and then I hung up.

One hour and thirty-seven minutes and seven calls later, I still hadn't talked to Bella. Now I really was sick. I couldn't get out of my head the images of Bella being with another guy, falling for him the same way she fell for me.

I gave up. I couldn't compete with a superstar. I was stupid for thinking that someone as amazing as Bella would be my girl forever.

I sent Bella an email telling her my feelings. I even cried a little as I poured my heart out telling her goodbye. My hands shook as I hit the send button and I closed my eyes praying for sleep, so somehow – someway, this ache would go away.

Around nine that night the phone ringing woke me up. I fell out of bed trying to get to my phone.

"Hello."

"Edward? Are you okay? Mrs. J said you called all afternoon, what's wrong?"

My heart constricted at the concern in her voice and then when it released, the ache began again.

"Hi Bella. I'm surprised you called."

"W—What? I.. I don't understand? Why weren't you in school today?"

"I had a stomach bug or... something."

"I'm sorry baby, do you feel better now?" Her voice so sweet and caring, my stomach tumbled again.

"Not really. Listen Bella-"

"Ed-Edward, are you? Are you breaking up... with me? Please..." Her words shook with emotions and all I could think was, be tough Edward, be tough.

"Bella, I know about Justin. I know that he can give you so much more than I ever could. I will just give up-"

"Wait..WHAT?"

"I mean it hurts Bella, more than I ever knew it could, but I can't compete with him."

"Edward Cullen, please tell me you are joking."

Now she was starting to piss me off. Why couldn't she just own up to her actions and tell me already?

"No Bella, I'm not joking. You said that Justin Bieber is staying there. Go ahead and break up with me so you won't have to carry the guilt for falling for him!"

"You are a piece of work Edward! Are you.. are you jealous of him? Is that what this is about? Because I assure you, Justin Bieber is NOT the hottest piece of ass to ever stay in this house! NOT BY A LONG SHOT!"

"So that's how it is huh? You mess around with them all?" I had to get back at her and hurt her somehow.

Then silence from her end.

Nothing.

I thought maybe she hung up on me until I heard her crying.

"Bella-"

"No! Is that really what you think Edward? Be honest with me." Her voice quivered in a hushed whisper.

"No, it's not. But it's just so hard to be here... and you're there. And I know that famous, rich, popular guys are with you and I'm ...not."

"Edward, just so you know, Justin was here with his boyfriend."

"His.. his.. boyfriend?"

She sniffled and laughed, "Yes, I told you I didn't like him anyway."

"I know, well I didn't know about that, but-"

"You still don't know about it. I signed a confidentiality agreement."

"I understand... Um, Bella, you didn't read my email yet did you?'

"No, I haven't been online tonight. As soon as I finished up working I was so worried about you, I had to call."

"Well – don't read it. Just delete it okay?" We were now back to talking like Edward and Bella again. I imagined her laying on her bed, with her hair displayed on her pillow. Her legs bent and her painted toes wiggling as she spoke.

I picked up her framed picture off my dresser and laid in on my chest.

"Sorry, but if it's in my inbox, I'm reading it."

"That's what I figured you'd say."

"I'll wait until we are off the phone. Is that better?"

"Sure...Bella, I'm sorry. I just was.. I was jealous. I love you so much that I couldn't stop thinking about you being with another guy."

"It hurts that you didn't trust me, but I love you too. I know what you mean. I think a lot about the girls you go to school with. How easy it would be for you to..."

"No baby don't. It's not like that." I wished there was a way to show her how devoted I was to her.

"It's not like that for me either, I promise. Just so you know, Justin Bieber can't compete with Edward Cullen, not even on one of your bad days. You'd always win."

I laughed, I had no idea what she was talking about, but that was okay because she was still mine.

"Edward, I don't want to wait until the summer to see you. I miss you so much." She exhaled as she spoke and I wanted to crawl through the phone and hold her in my arms.

I held back saying anything because I almost broke the news. _Six days Bella, in six days we'll be together. _

"You can do it Bella, you're strong. Maybe I can talk Mom into coming early this summer or something, I miss you too. More than words can say."

We talked for another hour or so and I apologized over and over. It seemed the more I fell in love with her, the harder it was for us to be apart, the miles were somehow longer. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, and I couldn't wait for next week when I'd be there beside her. I'd reassure how much she meant to me. She would never doubt my love.

I was hers, for as long as she'd have me.

**~0x0x0x0~**

I was so glad to be on a plane en route to Colorado. I had no anxiety or fear to be traveling alone, my excitement canceled out every other emotion.

I didn't mention it to Mom, but I was so relieved to be getting away from all the hustle and bustle at the house with Dad's practice: the renovations, the move, but mostly Dr. Banner. I still felt uneasy to be in a room with him, alone or not. Actually I felt uncomfortable for him to just be in my house...period.

But Dad trusted him enough to add him as a partner so I needed to get over it, besides, I was on my way to see my girl.

Just a few more hours...

**~0x0x0x0~**

_**Love is something you can't describe like the look of a rose, the smell of the rain, **_

_**or the feeling of forever. **_

_**~Zadie Smith**_

* * *

Special thanks go out to my fic writing buddy, psyche001. She encouraged me to write & then she beta'd this lil' nugget & realized how truly awful I am. LOL! Go read her completed fic, _Set In Stone_, listed in my favs.

Roll up yer britches because next chapter the shizz starts getting deep.

I am skipping over lots of their relationship to get us to the present, then we shall have flashbacks & memories & such, K?


	7. Happy Sad

****WARNING: This chapter speaks of material that may be upsetting to some, be a trigger for others, and that some of you may not like, AT ALL.**

**It will continue in the next chapter also before the reunion. **

**You have been warned. **

**I hope you still love me. =0/**

* * *

**~Edward, (still) age 16 **

I stood in Bella's kitchen, her arms were tightly wound around my neck, her labored breath heated my collarbone, and her voice shook as she whispered, "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God."

I felt a little awkward because Renee and most of her staff was watching our exchange, but when Bella leaned back and softly kissed my lips, I suddenly didn't mind at all. She buried her face against my neck as her arms once again coiled around me. Bella frantically held onto me as though I was going to disappear right before her eyes. So I reassured her, "Surprise! Happy birthday, Baby. I'm here. I'm here."

We stood in the middle of the kitchen for so long in each others arms, the back of my knees began to ache. The small party around us had continued and the chatter grew louder as the minutes ticked on.

But I was with Bella. It'd been too long. I'd hold her as long as she wanted me to. It was almost surreal to be here with her again. The Antichrist could choose this very second to began his attack on the world and I'd still be so damn happy.

The frustration of the past year spent missing her, the lonely nights wasted wishing to be right here, and all the fears that had clouded my thoughts about us now seemed like a millennium ago – so distant.

Everything was suddenly as it should be.

Us together.

We finally made our way over to the kitchen table where Bella's strawberry cake sat untouched. One pink candle in the shape of the number sixteen sat near the center of the cake, unlit. She pushed me to sit in her chair that was already pulled away from the table. Then she turned and sat in my lap and once again, I was embarrassed.

I kept my sight downward at my thighs where Bella's perfect little ass was resting. I was too scared to look Renee in the eye, I mean, I knew Bella was bold, but still. We didn't need to put on a show in front of her mother. Renee could easily put her foot down and rob us of any and all private time.

_And I didn't want that! _

Someone then laughed really loudly and I looked up to see that it was Renee. She was doubled over about to fall out of her chair she was laughing so hard. I was relieved that she didn't seem to be too concerned about us.

Mine and Bella's physical relationship didn't seem to bother her a bit. I relaxed and placed my hands on Bella's hips. She wiggled her butt a tiny bit and then she scooted back, flush to my chest.

"I'm so excited that you're here. You really have no idea," she said, quietly in my ear.

I nodded. "Oh, I think I do." Then I silently said a quick prayer for Bella to sit still and not move around too much or she'd know exactly how excited I was to see her.

Bella's eyes twinkled as the corners of her mouth turned up and her smile lit up the room. She touched my chin with her finger tips as she softly kissed my cheek before she turned back around to her mother and began to whine about lighting her candle already.

The next two hours was spent in laughter. Renee and Bella told stories about Bella's childhood and all her mishaps and silly schemes. Bella would clap her hand over her mouth and giggle. Her hair would swish back and forth as she shook her head and all I could think was how much I loved this girl.

I didn't say but a word or two the whole time. I just listened to stories about a little girl who had a big heart for nurturing every stray animal for miles. One who used her over-active imagination to tell tall tales to the guests of the B&B and was so good at it, most believed her. A girl who always seemed to know exactly what she wanted and went after it. One who always put everyone else's needs before her own. That was my girl.

As the night wore on, Renee became less conspicuous with the bottle of Grey Goose that she kept filling her glass with. It wasn't long before her glass wasn't needed at all, sipping straight from the bottle.

Bella glanced at me every time Renee stumbled over to the fridge for ice. She was obviously embarrassed by her mother.

I held her hand and kissed her knuckles because in all honesty, I really didn't care. I did want to ask if this happened often, but if Bella wanted to talk about it, I had no doubt that she would.

A few minutes after midnight, Renee was struggling to hold her head up. Bella leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

Then she helped Renee to stand and lead her out of the kitchen, heading away from the stairs and the room she shared with Bella.

I dug through my bag to finally give Bella her gifts. I placed both of them on the table and nervously fiddled with the ribbon my mother had tied around the boxes until she returned.

The house was quiet. All the staff that had joined Bella for her birthday dinner had retired for the evening as the night had wore on.

Then I heard her footsteps coming closer, I felt her presence before I even saw her. I took a deep breath and slowly exhaled.

She tried to sneak up on me, but I still heard the soft patter of her bare feet against the hardwood floors. I didn't turn around and I secured the corner of my bottom lip with my teeth to hide my smile. I'd play along.

Then I felt her breath on the back of my ear as her face nuzzled me. Her palms flattened on my shoulder blades then moved upwards to curl around my neck as she embraced me from behind. She was leaned over my back and I couldn't really reach her, so I ran my hands up and down the length of her bare arms.

We were alone. Well, as alone as one could be at a bed and breakfast filled with guests.

"Edward, have I told you how happy I am that you're here?" Her lips lingered against my cheek after she spoke.

"I think you might have mentioned it." I turned my face to meet her lips. My hands going from her arm to the back of her hair at the base of her neck. I had thought earlier that she smelled like strawberries and vanilla, it was faint compared to the way she tasted.

When we finally broke for air, I pulled at her arms to bring her to sit back in my lap. "Come open your gifts."

"Oh," she swallowed hard. "You didn't have to. All I wanted was you... here and I already got that." Her cheeks stained with bashfulness.

"I know. But... just open them." My arms settled around her waist, holding her a little tighter than I did before.

My chin rested on her shoulder as she picked up the middle size box and began to unwrap it.

"Is this a –! Ohmygod... Edward. I can't... How... Seriously?"

I laughed at her blubbering. "Yes, it's a cell phone. My mother let me add you to our plan. It's international, so ya know – no long distance or anything. She said it had to be cheaper than what she was spending now."

"But I can't accept this. I mean-" She slightly shook her head.

"You can and you will. Esme will explain it to Renee. I want to be able to talk to you whenever I want, Bella." I tucked a stray lock of hair that fell in front of her face, behind her ear.

"That does sound kinda nice." She giggled as she inspected the box.

"Unlimited minutes, text-ing, pictures, messages, all that. So don't worry about using it too much, you simply can't."

She laid the box back on the table. "Well, um – thanks. I still say it's too much. I want to know how much I owe you every month for my line and I'm going to send you the money." She looked at me sternly.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever you say." I kissed her neck below her ear and squeezed her waist. "Open the other one."

I had purposefully placed the small jewelry box into a larger box stuffed with tissue paper to disguise it.

Bella took her time unwrapping the outside box and slowly pulled the thin paper out, piece by piece.

She gasped when she pulled out the small black velvet box and then her breath faltered when she opened it. "Edward, it's so... pretty."

I helped her untangle the thin gold chain and pulled it out for her. I held it up and she spun the gold heart around as she inspected the ornate designs engraved on the outside of it.

I whispered in her ear as I laid the heart in my open palm, "It's a locket, see?"

I opened up the small clasp to show her the insides. "I think you're supposed to put pictures in both sides, but I don't think they make pictures small enough to fit that, do they?"

She shrugged and continued to stare at the necklace.

"Well, I've never seen any pictures that small, so what I did instead was, I wrote you a little note and fitted it in there." She looked at me and her mouth fell open.

"Really?" She squeaked. "Let me see." She brought the open locket up close to her eyes and once again tears formed when she read my silly writing.

On one side of the heart was a pink piece of paper that I wrote, 'I love you,' substituting a heart instead of the word love. On the other side on white paper simply said, 'E+B, Always.'

She let out a breathy laugh, "Did you laminate them?" Her fingers touching the micro paper tucked inside.

I barely had time to answer yes before her lips were on mine silencing me. She tried to bury her hands in my hair but with the angle she was sitting, it was too awkward.

"It's perfect, Edward. Just like you. Thank you so much." Her forehead rested against mine.

"Can I help you put it on?"

She nodded and we both stood.

"I think I have a new favorite." I mumbled.

"What?" She asked as I was trying to open the clasp.

"Strawberry cake. It's definitely moved to the top of my list." I winked as the locket fell against her skin at base of her neck.

After another short kissing and hugging spell, she lead me into the back den. The fireplace crackled with a dim glow and we settled on the couch.

"I know it's late, are you tired?" Bella asked as her fingers ran though my hair.

"A little." I answered

"Mom said you could sleep in your usual room, but I don't want you to go." Her hand fell from my hair.

"I don't wanna go." I honestly answered, "Not without you."

"Let's just rest right there. No one will say anything." She tugged on the afghan that was folded on the back of the couch.

"We'll just have to get up early, the guests and all..." She trailed off.

"That's fine by me." I could barely think straight knowing I'd get to hold Bella for the rest of the night.

I scooted back and swung my legs up on the couch and she nestled in front of me. My lower arm fit perfectly in the curve of her waist. I circled both arms around her as tightly as I comfortably could. The top of her head rested right at my lips so I could keep them against her all night.

Her arms rested atop mine and she entwined our fingers as our legs interlaced like a pretzel.

Her body fit like a puzzle piece to mine, an absolute fit. I couldn't keep my face from burrowing into her hair and every time I took a deep breath, my eyes shut on their own accord.

Heaven.

We laid still and quiet for a few minutes before I heard her take a deep breath, "Edward?"

"I'm still awake." I was debating with myself if I even wanted to fall asleep tonight and miss out on any of this, it was too priceless.

"I just wanted you to know, that, – um, it's not always like that with my mother. It's just..."

I tightened my hold on her for just a second to let her know I was listening.

"I mean, some days are just harder for her than others. She is still really sad... a lot, about Phil, and I just … let her be."

I could discern the sadness in her voice.

"I'm sorry you have to deal with that, baby. But now, you can call me, any hour, if you need to talk, okay?" I felt bad for her, but really, what could I do?

"I know." Her voice quiet, all of her body still except for her fingers that were now trailing up and down my arm.

"I love you, Bella. Happy birthday, even though technically, it's not your birthday anymore." I smiled and kissed her hair again with enough pressure, that this time, she could feel my lips against her.

"I love you too, Edward. Thanks for making this the best birthday ever." She sighed.

"The first of many to come," I quietly said not knowing if she heard me or not.

Pure contentment, that's the only way I could describe laying with Bella Swan in my arms.

**~*XoXoXoXoX*~**

The early bustle of our surroundings had us awake early, but we stayed on the couch holding on to each other as long as we could.

We discussed how long I was staying and she said she now understood why Renee had told her she had the next few days off.

Perfect.

After breakfast, we went our separate ways to shower and clean up. We didn't have a plan yet for the day.

When I was in the shower, I realized that since I'd been here with Bella, my, um – 'desire' for her had mostly been in check. Minus the lap incident and the morning wood, I'd been fairly 'calm' around her.

I wondered if I could keep that up? Granted, it wouldn't take much to push me over the edge, but it was kinda nice to be around her and not to have to fight the constant urge to grope her inappropriately.

**~*XoXoXoXoX*~**

The next two days it didn't matter what we did, as long as we were together. We even took to sleeping every night on the couch in the den simply because we didn't want to be apart and we could get away with it.

We rented movies to watch on the large television in the recreation room downstairs, which always turned into a major make-out session with the TV practically muted to listen out for unwanted interruptions.

Once, we went downtown with Renee as she picked up a few things and we browsed through some of the small shops there.

If our lips weren't locked together then we were talking. It was almost as if we were cramming every question we ever wondered about the other into the small time allotted to us.

I asked her about college and told her I'd like for us to attend the same one if possible. I already planned on enrolling to every college within driving distance to the Dwyer House just in case she didn't go or something.

She told me that it all depended on the B&B and her mother. Then she proceeded to jokingly brag about how well she was doing with her homeschooling. So well in fact that she'd probably get her high school diploma before I did.

"You nerd," I teased as I tickled her.

We took walks on the grounds outside in the mid afternoon, shortly after the sun had dried the dew on the grass.

We swam a lot, which was fine by me. I loved having Bella's body all over me in nothing but a flimsy bathing suit.

I noticed how much our relationship had matured recently. I was no longer a blubbering mess around her and she never put a front around me. It was hard to imagine us any other way but like this – us comfortable together.

I never knew it was possible to feel this way about another person. I mean, it was like I couldn't remember life before her, before there was even an us.

It confused me that at the young age of sixteen (and a half), I'd already met the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I didn't think it was supposed to happen this way – so soon, but even more so – what if I was wrong and we didn't stay together forever? What then?

I pushed away my negative thoughts as long as Bella was beside me and instead, I let myself get lost in her warmth, her touch, and her kisses.

As our time dwindled away, we became more and more frantic with our physical contact. If there were adults around, Bella would discreetly pull me into the closet – 'our closet,' and we'd let the petting commence.

Sunday night, my departure early the next morning loomed over us like a dense fog. Bella would try and hide her sadness by smiling at me or by nodding and looking away when I asked if she was all right, but I could see right through it.

Hell, I was sad too.

After dinner, she pulled me into our hall closet. She backed me up against the wall as her warm hands moved up under my shirt. I shivered when her fingers grazed the bare skin of my stomach.

All the built up frustration I had harbored while we were apart, the erotic dreams of Bella that woke me up in the middle of the night with a sticky mess on my sheets, the knowledge that tomorrow night at this same time we'd be hundreds of miles apart, suddenly all overwhelmed me.

She needed to know that I loved her more than life itself and that she was 'it' for me.

Always.

I slid down the wall to sit in the floor and pulled her to straddle my lap. We made out for hours. My lips were sore and bruised and hers were swollen and puffy.

We never let go of each other. Our grasps constantly sought out the other for some sort of emotional bondage that we never had to question again.

The ache in my jeans was almost painful. Many times as Bella squirmed in my lap, she almost brought my release. I felt her heat and wetness though her soft pants. That, coupled with the sounds she was making was overwhelming.

God, I wanted her so much. I kinda wished there was a way I could become experienced without cheating so I could properly show her how much I loved and desired her.

This was what love was all about.

**~*XoXoXoXoX*~**

It was easy for me to fall asleep on the plane ride home. After all, Bella and I had been up all night treasuring each other.

When we could no longer hide in our closet, we took to our couch and just held each other.

It was perfect.

I couldn't ignore the hollow feeling in my chest, the one that already missed her.

It was strange how you could want something so much, something that had been yours for only a short time, but something you'd gladly change and give up everything for.

That was how much I wanted to be with her.

I promised her as soon as I could, we'd be together for good. I'd help with the B&B if that's where she wanted to stay, or we could move to a new town or a new state. We could live together while we went to college, or that I'd just take care of her while she figured it all out, whatever she wanted.

As long as she was mine, nothing else mattered.

**~*XoXoXoXoX*~**

**(almost 3 months later)**

In a month I'd be back in Colorado. I had convinced my mother, by any means necessary, to let me stay an extra week for my birthday in June.

I was totally honest with her when I said it was all I wanted as my gift.

Even though Bella had a cell now and we talked numerous times a day, it wasn't the same. I often found myself staring out the window, my hand flat against the glass, just thinking of her and wondering if she too, at the very second, was looking into the vast openness outside and thinking of me.

The anguish that seemed to sometimes plague me by our separation wasn't easy to ignore. My parents often called me out on it. My father had prescribed me an anti-depressant, even though he said I was just being a love-stricken puss.

I didn't take them all the time, only when I felt so lonely that I wanted curl up into a ball and disappear. He also gave me some kind of mild sleep aide, that seemed to help.

I tried to busy myself, I even took an after-school job at my Dad's practice helping out where ever I was needed. That usually meant I was running charts between his office and the Hospital that was across the street. Sometimes I filed charts and made copies, and other days, I didn't do much but sweep the floors.

It was enough to get me out of the house, but my cell was always in my pocket – just in case Bella called.

I still hadn't changed my opinion of Dr. Banner. Since he was busy at the office most of the time now, him or his family never visited us at our house.

I was grateful.

I avoided his patient hall at the practice. I was always busy when his assistant asked me to help her with something.

It was just better that way.

Bella called me upset about her mother. Renee had passed out the night before and fell down the steps. She broke a few ribs and had a concussion. Bella felt guilty that she had went to bed early and wasn't there to stop her.

I stowed away in the chart room that held the non-active patient charts and talked to her until she calmed down.

I reassured her it wasn't her fault and I begged her to not feel that way.

She couldn't be in control of Renee's actions any more than I was over my parents. It was just how it was.

It still made my day that I was the one she called when she needed to talk to someone. It was – me, I was the one she needed.

It gave me ...purpose.

I was still lost in a Bella-haze when I thought I heard the door open and close. I peeked out from behind the tall shelf to see an empty room.

It dawned on me my father might be looking for me, so I put my phone back in my pocket and went to leave.

Quickly, my head painfully slammed into the door and there was a body pressing up behind me. My arm was bent backwards and the more I struggled, the worst it hurt.

A gloved hand was over my mouth muffling my attempted screams.

I was scared shitless.

Then I froze when I heard his voice. His hot breath against my ear made me gag, he smelled of rubbing alcohol and menthol.

"If you speak a word of what happens, it'll be your mother next."

_Oh my God. _

"Do you understand?"

I nodded once and he slowly removed his hand from my mouth.

It trailed down my back, then around my waist only to move forward to my zipper.

Dr. Banner still had me pressed up against the door when I heard his belt unbuckle.

Tears stung my eyes when his hand moved into my jeans.

I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed for someone to save me when I felt the motion of his hand on himself while the other touched me through my boxers.

I tried to block out his disgusting sounds.

_What was I going to do?_

_What would my father say? Would he even believe me?_

Thirty minutes later, I sat unmoving outside in my father's car waiting for him to exit the office and drive us home.

I was numb.

I was scared.

I was helpless.

I couldn't tell my Dad... He said he'd come after my mother...

I dried the tears off my face with the bottom of my shirt.

I could forget about this... I just had to! There was no other way...

There was only one person I needed more than I needed air right now.

That was my girl, I just needed her...

_**Someone who thinks death is the scariest thing doesn't know a thing about life. **_

_**~Sue Monk Kidd**_

* * *

_This chapter sets up SO MUCH!_

_Some of you had quessed this, yeah for you! The ramifications of Dr. Banner's actions will be dealt with next chapter. You will know A LOT! TRUST!_

_Psyche001 beta'd this, she's kooler than the flip side of my pillow!_


	8. Hope

**Remember that warning? It still applies... Angst ahead...**

* * *

_I think you can do much better than me_  
_After all the lies that I made you believe_  
_And guilt kicks in and I start to see_  
_The edge of the bed where your nightgown used to be_

_I told myself I won't miss you_  
_But I remembered what it feels like beside you_

_I really miss your hair in my face_  
_And the way your innocence tastes_  
_And I think you should know this_  
_You deserve much better than me..._

_...The bed I'm lying in is getting colder_  
_Wish I never would've said it's over_  
_And I can't pretend_

_I won't think about you when I'm older_  
_'Cause we never really had our closure_  
_This can't be the end_

_And I think you should know this_  
_You deserve much better than me..._

_Better Than Me ~ Hinder_

* * *

**~Edward, still 16**

**June, 10 days or so before he turns 17~**

I faked being sick for the next three days just so I could stay in the comfort of my bed. My mother had believed me, maybe it was the dark circles under my eyes from no sleep, or the way I couldn't keep any food in my stomach.

I really was sick.

I never told my Dad anything about what happened. That night on the drive home I battled with myself with what I should do. The only thing I could settle on was 'wait.'

That evening when I spoke to Bella she asked if I was all right. Without thinking twice, I lied to her too. I told her it was probably just a stomach bug I had caught at the office.

At first, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was so awash with emotions; anger, disgust, confusion, pity – for myself, his son, and anyone else who had ever experienced something so, so... violating.

I just didn't understand.

How could someone be such a twisted fucker? It was like he was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

_And he was getting away with it..._

Then I sat up on my bed,_ screw that_! I had every intention of marching into my parents room as they prepared for bed and tell them exactly what had happened.

Then as my hand touched their doorknob, I heard my name.

"_Esme, Honey. It's not natural. It's like he's obsessed with that girl. I think it's a mistake."_

"_Carlisle, you remember how it was? Your first love?"_

"_I'm just saying that I don't think we should be so, so freeing about it. We should be encouraging him to do other things."_

"_What do you mean?"_

Which was exactly what I was thinking!

"_I just don't think, Esme, we should allow him to stay an extra week. I'm not sure if we should even go to the Dwyer House at all this summer."_

My already broken heart practically fell out of my chest and my father did some kind of Russian dance on it.

_Was he serious? He thinks I'm sick over... Bella?_

"_Now, Carl, you're being too harsh. Just go to bed, we will discuss it some more in the morning." _

I slowly stepped away from the door.

If I told them what hah happened, there was no doubt in my mind, there would be no trip to Colorado in my distant future.

So I went back to my room.

I took my medications that my father had recently increased. I crawled up underneath my covers and I did the only thing that ever made me feel better, I called Bella.

I ranted to her about my Dad saying we were too serious. She said she could kind of see it from his point of view. So we agreed to try and be less conspicuous around my parents. Then she promised she'd try her best to come and return the favor of birthday visit if my trip to see her fell through.

I still didn't speak of my _secret_.

***0o0o0***

**~Edward, age 17 **

**7 months later, January ~**

It'd only been a little over a month since we'd returned from Bella's, celebrating the Holiday season. Each and every time it became harder and harder to leave her. Especially since my incident.

When I was with her it was like I was whole again and nothing bad could ever get to me. She sensed my depression, but I think she wrote it off to the miles between us. To be honest, I couldn't say that I knew where one sadness began and another ended.

And I still hadn't told a soul.

Every time I contemplated telling someone, I always decided against it. It was like if I didn't speak of it – if I didn't confess, it was less... real.

It also seemed to be easier to just get on with my life. It didn't take long for me to forget about it as much as I could. Granted it was never completely gone, and sometimes the littlest thing would trigger the bad memories, but somehow I got on with living just fine.

I set my sites on my future with Bella.

Everything was falling into place. I'd graduate in May and Bella was coming to visit.

My father was hounding me about college. I avoided the subject but I could tell, he was becoming impatient.

I certainly couldn't confess that I was waiting to find out what Bella was going to do.

_That'd go over real well. _

I had taken up every extracurricular activity at school I could just to keep myself busy after school hours. It beat coming up with excuses why I wouldn't help out at his office anymore.

I had saw Dr. Banner a couple of times over the past few months. I wanted to beat the fuck out of him. I hated that man. Thankfully, he seemed to be able to look right through me. It seemed by the look in his evil eyes, I didn't exist anymore.

And that was fine by me.

***0o0o0***

**~Edward, age 17**

**1 week after graduation, near the end of May~**

My father was pissed at me. He'd found out I didn't have any solid plans for my future. He lashed out at me after Bella left a few days ago telling how she had fucked up my life, so I hadn't spoken to him since.

I knew that I should have spent more time on getting things in order for college and beyond that, but none of it seemed important right now.

Bella was my life and I loathed him all the more for putting her down, for putting us down.

It also sounded like the shit was finally hitting the fan at the office. From what I could tell from my father's ranting, Dr. Banner wasn't showing up everyday like he was scheduled.

_It's about time_.

***0o0o0***

**~Edward, age 17 **

**Mid June, 3 weeks after graduation, a few days before he turns 18 ~ **

I stood motionless in the funeral home standing over my father's closed casket. It all seemed unreal. I'd never felt so lost and numb.

My life had become a living nightmare.

The sounds around me were nothing more than a mild roar except for my mother's wailing. She hadn't stopped sobbing for days. She looked horrible. My Aunt Liz and her husband Ed were standing with her, practically holding her up.

She wasn't speaking to me, I think that hurt me worse than my father dying.

As I stood there staring blankly, snippets of the past week ran through my mind. I tried to analyze them, somehow make sense of everything, yet it still seemed so unbelievable.

It started a few days before when I came home from my part time job at SouthWall Outfitters. My father and I were still avoiding each other, only a few words spoken when we had to.

_My father rushed me and grabbed me by my arm dragging me into the den. "Edward tell me! Tell me everything. Tell me now!" He yelled._

"_Calm down! I don't know what you're talking about." I jerked my arm out of his hold. _

_My mind immediately went to Bella. Did something happen to her? Was she... pregnant? _

"_Edward, please son," my mother said as she slowly walked up beside me, her hand rubbing along my back. _

_I was still confused..._

_Then something happened that I thought I'd never see. My father hit his knees in front of me. He grabbed my hand, his eyes were closed and his voice was low and pleading. _

"_Edward, I have to know if Bob, if he ever..." His head dropped forward and my knees grew weak. I practically fell back to sit on the edge of the couch. Somehow, my dad ...knew._

_His grip tightened on my hand. _

_I continued to stare at the top of his head. _

_My silence was a giveaway. _

_I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. _

_His shoulders began to tremble and his head was shaking back and forth._

_I quickly wanted to reassure him it wasn't THAT bad. "Dad, it wasn't like that..."_

"_No! No, no..." He cried. _

_He wasn't listening to me. _

_I looked over at my mother and she was hiding her gaping mouth with her hand. Tears were streaming down her face and her head too was slowly moving from side to side. _

"_No, Mom. Listen... please."_

"_Edward, honey. We have to know everything. Dr. Banner's son brought a gun to summer school this morning. He killed and injured so many... before turning the gun on himself. But Edward... he left a... he left a note." My mother spoke as calmly as she could, emphasizing every word. _

_But the words had already sunken in. Jeff ratted out his father. Jeff knew and he had probably been abused a thousand times worse than I had. _

_My father shot up off the floor and paced in front of me. He couldn't look me in the eye or maybe it was that he wouldn't. _

_So I found a picture of Bella and I on the mantle and I focused on it as I told them what happened that day over a year ago in the small chart room at the office. _

From there it had only gotten worse. After Jeff's suicide massacre, dozens of other young men and boys came forward to tell their story of Dr. Banner's abuse.

My father couldn't handle the guilt. He felt responsible even though Dr. Banner had been a child molester long before he'd ever moved to Seattle and joined dad's practice.

I overheard what my father told my mother in his office at home the night before he so cowardly gave up.

"_Esme, I'm losing everything. My accreditation's, my reputation, my office...my patients. It's all gone. If only-" His voice cracked. "If only Edward would have told us, I might've been able to stop him. I could've saved that boy... those children..." _

"_You don't know that Carlisle. It wasn't your fault. None of it."_

The next day he put a pistol in his mouth and pulled the trigger.

He blamed me, I think more than he blamed himself. It was my fault this had all went so far._ "If only..."_

I think my mother blamed me too, especially for his death. She wouldn't even look at me anymore.

I felt people moving past me. Sometimes they patted my shoulder or my back, but I ignored them. Even when they put their arms around me in a loose embrace, I didn't respond. My hands shoved deep in my dress slacks.

I just wanted to be left alone.

For once, I didn't even want Bella here.

She didn't know about anything that had happened.

When I talked to her while all this was going on, she thought I was upset because of my disagreements with my father.

_If she only knew._

For some reason, I didn't want her to know. I needed to figure out on my own what to do next.

Nothing made sense, but I knew I didn't want to pull her into this... this hell I was living through. She deserved better, but I didn't want to break her heart either.

I stumbled away from his casket and found an empty seat. I leaned forward on my knees and buried my head in hands.

Thinking about Bella opened up a whole new can of worms.

My heart seemed to flail erratically in my chest.

My cousin Emmett sat down beside me. "You gonna be all right, man?"

Without looking up, I just shrugged. "Your Dad, he-" Em started to talk.

I raised my hand up to cut him off. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Sure." He answered.

He thought I was upset over my father and maybe I should have been. But at the moment, I didn't feel.

Just emptiness and confusion.

Lost.

* * *

***0o0o0***

**~Edward, age 24**

**5 and half years after leaving Bella~**

My lonely tree had become my favorite place to hang out. Every since that day a few months before when I saw Bella here, I couldn't find it in me to leave it.

Granted, I left to sleep, and eat, and work – but if I had free time, this was where to find me.

I'd carved our initials onto the bark inside of a big puffy heart and every day I traced the outline with my fingers. I wasn't sure why I did it.

Well, maybe wasn't necessarily true.

I knew why – I missed her.

When I finally allowed myself to just... be, and I closed my eyes, all I saw was her.

I missed her so much it physically hurt my heart. My lungs seemed to shrink too small to breathe comfortably, and I felt panicked.

It had been almost six years. Six years. She was probably married, had kids, running the hell out of the bed and breakfast and I... I'd left her.

I was to blame.

Again.

For the life of me, I couldn't remember exactly why I'd left the only person that had ever mattered to me.

I got up off the soft ground and headed toward the book store. A few days before, after leaving the park, a yellow piece of paper taped to a glass door caught my attention, 'Help Wanted Immediately.'

I got the job.

It was possibly on the lines of 'crazy' for me to think that I should work near the park, sleep near the park, and always eat near the park, just in case Bella came back.

But I did it anyway.

God, I wanted to see her again. I wanted to ask her what she'd been doing and how she was. More than anything, I wanted her to tell me that it was okay that I'd left. I needed to hear her say the words that she forgave me and that she understood. And only when I was being completely honest with myself, I admitted that I wanted her to hug me, hold me, maybe run her fingers though my hair.

_Like she used to. _

Then to hear her laugh, her giggle, even her snort after she been laughing so hard she cried.

It was all I could think about anymore.

Seeing just a glimpse of her reminded me of it all.

Everything I threw away.

Everything I walked away from thinking somehow, it'd be better that way.

It was hard to tell my mind to stop thinking about her, about us – because it was all my heart remembered.

I opened the door and stopped dead in my tracks when I spotted a brunette standing with her back to me at the counter.

I almost felt faint.

Her hair was shorter, but...

"Bella?" I choked out, part in fear, part in hope.

She spun around, "Huh? Who?"

"Sorry," I mumbled, "I thought you were..."

"She's with me," Lauren shouted out from the back room.

"I'm Jess, I'm her girlfriend." She stepped toward me and stuck out her hand.

"Oh," then with recognition I emphasized, "Oooohhhh," nodding my head.

"Who's Bella?" Jess asked.

I stepped away from her and stood behind the counter. I picked up the box cutter and busied myself, totally ignoring her question.

"Ex?" She asked again.

Without looking at her, I answered, "Sorta."

"Still got a thing for her, huh?"

"Hey Ed. You met Jessica?" Lauren asked as she walked over to Jess and looked to see what book she was holding.

"I really love your hair that color." I overheard Lauren say as she fingered Jessica's hair.

"Yeah, we met." I said with a huff.

"He's all dark and broody... and mysterious. Don't you think?" Lauren leaned over to say to Jess as she raised her eyebrows at me.

"I get that." Jessica giggled and then they walked off toward the back, thankfully to give me some time alone to get my work done.

Alone.

It was what I was good at.

Expert even.

***0o0o0***

Over the next couple of months I hung out a lot with Jess and Lauren. They accompanied me to the park almost every day.

I began to talk about Bella with them, and it felt... good, almost therapeutic.

I was honest when I told them everything about Dr. Banner, my father and mother... Bella. I told them how I more or less had pissed away my life since leaving her and after the words were spoken out loud – I felt regret.

I regretted every single day of it.

"You still love her, huh?" Lauren asked as she touched the heart on the tree.

I stood beside her and raised my pointer finger. I trailed over the 'B' and then the 'S'.

"With everything I have left," I finally pronounced loudly. "I always have."

My hand fell to my side but I didn't look away from her initials right under mine.

_'E.C. + B.S.'_

"Can I ask you a question?" Jessica said, when I finally plopped down on the ground beside them.

"You just did." I answered and for just a second, the corner of my mouth curled into a grin. Then I took in a short breath and the hurt pinged my insides again, that deep ache I just couldn't get rid off.

The misery of a broken heart.

"Smartass," Jess grumbled. "Why are you still here? In Virginia, I mean."

I shrugged.

"That's not good enough." Jessica stated. "It was months and months ago Edward, she's gone."

"Well-" I didn't know how to explain it. "I stay because, maybe she's still here and... and I'll run into her one day. And... I stay because maybe she's not. Maybe she's not here and then someday I can - I will get over her."

My words were slow and quiet and they slipped out of mouth before I'd even realized it.

"But Edward, you know where she is!" Lauren leaned forward toward me and whispered. "What if she's back in Colorado? What if she's sitting there right now thinking about you? You're wasting your time here."

"You know you wanna go." Jessica took a drink of her water. "You know you have to know if she's there, maybe waiting on... you. Right?"

I leaned back against the tree and closed my eyes. My nerves were in overdrive. I thought about getting drunk to forget about all this shit, but I hadn't drank in months.

"Edward, it happened to me."

My eyes shot open and I looked at Jessica. "What happened?"

"Well, Lauren here," she reached over and patted her knee, "she's my first - my first girlfriend. See, before there was this guy, and I loved him. I loved him so much."

She swallowed hard and set her drink in between her legs.

"We grew up together and dated off and on. Proms, Homecomings, everything was spent together. Then I went off to one college and he went to another. We talked everyday and soon he professed his love to me, said he'd wait on me."

Tears formed in her eyes and her voice shook with emotion, "But I told him no. I told him to go and live his life and then if in time, if we found our way back to one another – then it was meant to be. And you know what? He did exactly that."

She paused and looked at Lauren.

"After college, I moved back home. We saw each other a few times but I didn't go to him and confess. I didn't admit that I couldn't go to sleep at night without touching his picture. I still loved him. So when I finally got the nerve to call him, we met for dinner and I thought, damn, this is it. I was so happy, I thought we were going to just go back to the way things were." Jess wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand.

"Then he told me that he had waited. He knew when I came home and he had waited on me. But I never called, so he took that as I didn't want him anymore and he proposed to some girl he'd been casually dating. He... he finally let me go in here." She pointed to her heart.

"Months Edward. Don't get me wrong, I love Lauren and everything, but I missed out on the life I'd been dreaming about by months."

She stopped talking and looked up at me. "Don't take that chance, Edward. You may only have months. And you know what else?"

She kind of laughed as she looked at Lauren. "The worst thing that could happen is that she lets you go. Then you can...can get on with whatever, but at least you'll know."

Lauren tangled her fingers with Jessica's and whispered, "Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together."

Jessica's words loomed over me. _"What if she's sitting there right now thinking about you?" "...you have to know if she's there, maybe waiting on... you."_

Her words, they gave me... hope.

_Did I only have months?_

_Weeks?_

_Days?_

I had to go.

"You're right. I have to go." Then it felt urgent, like I couldn't get away fast enough.

Within hours, what few things I had was packed away and stored at Lauren's with her promising that if things didn't work out and I came back to Virginia, I'd always have a job.

***0o0o0***

On my motorcycle it took me three days, stopping only when I had to.

I was soaked from the rain that poured for the last few hours. I was still sitting on my bike on the long driveway that wound up the hill to the Dwyer House. The contents of my stomach expelled in the bushes down the road. My heart pounded against my breastbone and my fear screamed at me to leave.

_I shouldn't do this._

_I shouldn't walk up that stone walkway and knock on that door. _

_I should leave._

_I should turn around and drive, fill my small tank with gas and never look back. _

_I should go_.

I tilted my head back and closed my eyes as the darkened sky poured rain all over me.

But somewhere deep inside of my soul, I felt warm.

She might be in there.

I had to know.

I hung my helmet from the handlebars and got off the bike.

My legs ached. My hands were numb from gripping the handlebars so tightly.

I stood, looking up at the front door of the Dwyer House, and it mocked me. I didn't even think I had the strength to climb the steps and knock on the door.

I was filled with fear. Fear of rejection and fear of the truth. Fear of what was possibly waiting for me to find out about her. Fear that she would open the door and at the same time, frightened that she wouldn't.

What if she was married? What if she wasn't? What if she wouldn't talk to me? What if she hated me?

Could I handle it?

The wind ripped through me, making my soaked clothes feel like a frozen blanket against my wet skin, but that wasn't what caused me to shiver. It was what this meant for me. It was knowing this was either the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning.

Thunder roared above and shook the ground beneath me. Then for no rhyme nor reason, other than desperation, my feet began to move and climb the steps. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest, the sound almost drowned out the chaos of the storm around me. I no longer felt the rain, my whole body was numb; possibly from the cold or maybe from the uneasiness that had taken over ever other emotion.

My hand shook as it floated upward and made the motion to rap on the door, but I was unable to do it. Instead, my fingers opened up and caressed the door like a fine linen. I traced the grain of the hard wood with my finger tips and hot tears rolled down my cheeks. Up until this very second, this home contained only happy memories between Bella and I, and I didn't want to taint that.

But I'd come this far...

...And I had nothing left.

I balled my hand into a tight fist until my knuckles ached. Then I slowly exhaled with each movement of my elbow...my arm ...my hand.

Right before I came into contact with the door, it swung wide open.

I was left gasping for air as my lungs quickly emptied.

I couldn't breathe.

It was Bella.

Even through the darkness of the stormy night, I could distinctively see her profile... her face... her eyes and the plethora of emotions that morphed from one to the other. Surprise. Relief. Worry. Anger. Hurt. Disbelief.

Hate?

My breaths were short and quick and her name fell from my lips in a desperate whisper, "Bella."

A bright flash of lightening behind me illuminated her face for merely seconds and I couldn't look away from the tears that glistened against her brown irises.

She was shocked. I noticed her shoulders were quaking and she was shaking her head in disbelief.

Then she spoke one single word, and it cut though the thick night, straight into the hallows of my heart almost bringing me to my knees, "No."

I heard her, but I ignored what she had said. I wasn't turning away that easily.

The storm still churned around us, yet everything was deathly still. I was only aware of the movements of her fingers as they twitched against the door handle, the way her chest rose and fell with her rapid breaths, and the way her long hair swayed in the wind.

Another clash of thunder and the night sky lit up brightly around us.

"Bella, please..." I tried to step forward but as soon as I lifted one foot she slowly took a step back.

Her face was pale, her mouth hung open, her eyes full of tears, yet she was still so... so stunningly beautiful. So breathtaking, yet so... wounded.

Even though she was standing right in front of me – close enough to touch – she felt more distant than she'd ever been.

To feel that distance between us hurt me more than anything else ever had.

All that hope that I'd built up and the faith that brought me this far began to diminish. That faith and that hope seeped out of my pores and blended with my tears and the rain. All together they rippled down and joined with the small current of rain water and ran away from me... and away from Bella.

Leaving me with nothing.

Nothing at all.

****

_The darkest hour has only sixty minutes. _

_~Morris Mandel_

* * *

_Psyche001 beta'd & amieforshort pre read. Thanks ladies. I effin luv ya'll._

_The Dr. Banner thing really happened. My doctor as a teen was a child predator, luckily for me, he preferred males. He did commit suicide after he was outed._

_I DO have a fic in the works where NO ONE dies. I swear. Well a one shot maybe._

_I know there are unanswered questions about Ed & Carl & Esme , but he will have to explain it all to Bella, so you will have your answers then._

_JSYK, my Bella is far from canon and she's dealing with her own skeletons in her closet._

_Twitter: Mrs_Robward_


	9. Outside Your Door

_I'm finding my way back to sanity again  
Though I don't really know what  
I'm gonna do when I get there  
Take a breath and hold on tight  
Spin around one more time  
And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace _

_'Cause I am hanging on every word you say_  
_And even if you don't wanna speak tonight_  
_That's alright, alright with me_  
_'Cause I want nothing more than to sit_  
_Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing_  
_Is where I wanna be.._

_I'm looking past the shadows_  
_Of my mind into the truth and_  
_I'm trying to identify_  
_The voices in my head_  
_God, which one's you_  
_Let me feel one more time_  
_What if feels like to feel_  
_And break these calluses off me_  
_One more time_

_'Cause I am hanging on every word you say_  
_And even if you don't wanna speak tonight_  
_That's alright, alright with me_  
_'Cause I want nothing more than to sit_  
_Outside your door and listen to you breathing..._

_Breathing ~ Lifehouse _

_

* * *

_

My heart couldn't decide if it wanted to burst from beating so wildly or stop completely and put me out of my misery.

"Bella... Bella, it's me, Edward." I pleaded.

"No!" Her voice was shaking, but it was authoritative. Her posture was tense and rigid.

The storm was relenting. Just a fine mist fell from the black sky. The lightening barely flashed in the distance and the thunder was nothing more than a low rumble.

I still couldn't look away from her. I needed to drink her in. Absorb her air, bathe in her soul, and find myself in her again, with her. As it should have been. Always.

"Please." I begged.

She watched me, practically looking straight through me.

"Bella? Who is that?"

She jumped at the voice behind her. I heard footsteps approaching us. Quickly.

"Bella?" A large guy stood behind her, looking from her to me and then back to her.

"Are you all right. Who is that? It's late..." His voice trailed off.

She finally turned her eyes away from me but not looking at him either.

"It's no one. They were just leaving." She said in a loud whisper.

"Wait!" His hand grabbed the edge of the door, holding it open and still. "Is that...?"

Bella gasped, still not looking at me or him.

"Is that... Edward? What the fuck?"

"Jake please. Don't." Her voice trembled.

"So help me Go-" He started to push past her.

"Go away Jake. I got this." She stood firmly in her spot. "Now!"

He froze in his steps. He was breathing hard and fast. "Are you sure?" He growled.

She nodded and he took a step back.

He leaned forward and spoke in her ear, but didn't take his eyes off me, "I'm not going far."

I think he was talking to me more than he was her. A jolt of jealousy... anger... hopelessness shot through me, as I stood there, wondering if this was her _man._

"You should leave." She said, still not looking at me.

I took a small step toward her. "Please, I just want to talk..."

I noticed her whole body was shivering, the door seemed to be holding her upright.

"NO! Leave... I can't." She swallowed hard as she choked out the words.

I took another baby step forward.

She took in a deep choppy breath and closed her eyes.

I stepped forward again. If I raised my arm I'd be able to touch her.

I wanted to touch her. Just touch.

Then her eyes shot open and she looked at me. They were cold. Lifeless almost. Fueled by determination and anger.

I couldn't move.

It felt like everything was bubbling up inside of me. The desperation, the need, the urgency.

"Go away Edward and don't come back. Ever."

The door slammed in my face.

_No. No. No, no, no. It can't end this way. _

She was gone.

From inside the house I heard her sobs and that guy's voice trying to comfort her.

I fell to my knees right there on the porch of the Dwyer House.

_She let me go. _

She'd let me go even though I didn't want her to. She didn't love me anymore. Six years were too long. Months. Days. It was all too long.

I waited too long.

I thought I knew numbness before. I had experience with loneliness and emptiness, but this was on a whole new level.

It was crippling.

Time no longer mattered.

Nothing did.

I didn't know how long I sat there on my knees.

I didn't know how I stood up and walked away.

I didn't know how I started my motorcycle and rode off.

I didn't know... anything.

**~*XoXoXoXoX*~**

"Edward. Edward wake up."

I smiled. I heard angels.

No? I heard Bella.

She was here.

Or maybe I was there.

Heaven?

I tried to sit up to rise to that angelic voice but a pain ripped through my side.

"Fuck!" My hand moved to cover the pain.

My eyes seemed to be weighted with lead, I couldn't open them. And it tasted like someone took a shit in my mouth.

There was light behind my closed lids and I heard the angel again.

"_Yes, Dr. Sue. Thanks for you help. I hope it wasn't too much of a bother on your vacation."_

Then she laughed. Carefree. Beautiful.

I smiled again.

"_My pleasure__,__ Bella. He'll be okay, just a little sore."_

"_How about a free night on your next stay? It's the least I can do."_

"_Oh, of course I'll take it and I'll look at him again before I check out later this afternoon."_

The softness around me held me close and the warmth lulled me back to sleep.

**~*XoXoXoXoX*~**

I tried to open my eyes again when I felt something touching my hair. It was... familiar.

The foreign touch traced my forehead and my eyebrow before it tickled my cheek and slowly, grazed my bottom lip.

Then the darkness took me again.

**~*XoXoXoXoX*~**

The weight had been lifted from my eyes but the pain was still present with every move I made.

Confused, I took my time as I was finally able to wake up.

I blinked repeatedly as I tried to remember where I was.

I hated this feeling.

Lost.

Foreign.

I could only remember bits and pieces.

_Bella shutting the door. _

_Riding away. _

_The bar. _

_The tequila. _

_The crash._

_The angel's voice. _

_Was I dead?_

I sat up too quickly and my head spun.

I closed my eyes as my vision slowly quit twirling around.

_I must __be __dead. _Because when I opened my eyes I realized I was in the Dwyer House. My old room. The one I used to stay in with my parents. The room I always wished to live in because it was the only place I felt truly happy and safe. The room I lost my virginity in. The room where I used to dream of Bella night after night...

_Bella._

_I'm here. Where is she?_

I took a deep breath and slowly got off the bed. A small lamp lit up the room. I looked around, not much had changed. New drapes and covers. Some new pictures hung on the wall. The plaid couch that used to sit in the foyer replaced the brown leather one that used to be against the wall.

Memories flooded my mind of this room. That couch. The brown couch. Bella. Bella and I.

_Stop! _I scrubbed my hand over my face and felt scabs on my right cheek.

Slowly, I walked to the door. I didn't know whose fleece pants I was wearing. There was a large cloth bandage on my side. It hurt like a bitch to touch it. My head was pounding and I was so damn thirsty.

I stumbled down the steps. Even after all these years, I knew this place like the back of my hand.

I went to the kitchen, it was dark. The moon light shone in through the windows. There was no one in there. The digital clock on the oven read one fifty-two.

Then I heard someone outside on the patio off the kitchen.

My legs moved on their own accord. I opened the sliding glass door and shivered from the cold wind that blew past me.

Bella.

She was standing there. Her hair whipping around her shoulders. Her foot propped on the railing. A small glass held in between her hands. She wore jeans and a long sleeve white shirt.

She looked back at me. Her face void of emotion.

She walked toward me, slipping in between me and the open door. Her body grazed mine as she passed by and I wanted to cry.

I was in shock and I couldn't move.

"Shut the door before you freeze to death. There's a cold front on the way. Maybe some early snow." She was at least talking to me.

Like a robot, I went through the motions. I joined her sitting at the table. Her glass now filled with... something.

"You need a drink of water?" She asked.

I nodded. So many questions were flooding my mind, I didn't know where to start.

She stood and grabbed a cup and filled it with tap water. She sat the glass in front of me.

"How...I mean... What? How did..." I stammered.

"You don't remember how you got here?" Her voice still was so cold, it make me shiver again.

I shook my head before I took a drink.

"Well," Bella took a drink of her glass, looking down at it as she spoke. "The other night after you left, you went straight to the nearest bar. You drank yourself into oblivion. Tried to drive away on that piece of shit bike. You didn't get far. You crashed into the local homeless population. They claim that you said you belonged to me, so they called for me to come and get you before you died on one of their cardboard houses."

As I tried to process what she just told me, I said the only thing I could think of. "The hobos know you by name?"

Then she looked at me and her eyes softened a bit. "Yeah, I feed'em a couple times a month with our extra food."

I leaned back in my chair and exhaled. "I don't remember any of that."

Our eyes met again and I just wanted her to run over and embrace me like she used to. How after months and months of us not seeing each other, it all melted away within seconds, she'd be in my lap professing her love and covering me with kisses.

But that didn't happen.

I scratched my scalp and she looked away.

"You mainly just bruised yourself up. Dr. Sue was staying here, she gave you pain medicine and checked you out. She said you may have cracked a rib or two. And all your scratches are just superficial. You were lucky." Her voice was soft and I pretended there was compassion behind it.

"Hmph," I pouted. "I'm anything but lucky, Bella."

Silence. It was uncomfortable between us.

So unlike us.

Soon the questions began to warp through my mind again and I started spitting them out like bad seeds. "Who was that guy?"

"Ed-"

"Are you married?" I didn't even give her time to answer. "Why did you tell me to leave?"

She stood up quickly, still not looking at me. "Just-"

"Who is he, Bella?" My voice became frantic.

"Stop-"

But I couldn't, "Tell me Bella. Tell me you don't belong to him."

"Shut up, Edward!" She yelled.

"Why in the hell did you tell me to leave, then you bring me back here with your fucking husband? Huh? Why didn't you just leave me to fucking freeze to death?" I panted as I seethed with anger. I felt like a century old volcano ready to blow.

She put both of her hands on the table and leaned down in front of me. We were eye to eye. "Shut the hell up, Edward! There are people asleep in this house! You have no fucking right to raise your voice to me. I don't have to explain myself to you."

She was gorgeous, time had only made her more so. Even red with anger and maybe even hate for me, I still loved her with every ounce of my life.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

I had to close my eyes and just look away from her. It hurt too much. "You're right. You don't owe me an explanation. I just.."

I felt her move away from me. Her hands now on the kitchen counter supporting her weight as she leaned forward. It was hard to not go and comfort her. To me, those six years of us spent apart were more like a bad dream that I'd finally woken up from. Merely hours.

"Bella, I am sorry. I just want us to talk." I stood up to leave. I wasn't sure she wanted me there and I had no idea where else to go.

"Edward. I want to talk to you too. You just have to..." Her hair fell in front of her face as she shook her head, "You just have to give me time. All this time I thought you were... dead."

"What?" _Dead?_

"I took you for dead, all those years ago. It was the only explanation I could live with as why you would leave me. I thought you were... dead." It sounded like she was still trying to convince herself.

I fisted my knuckles tight because this was going to be way harder than I'd ever imagined. There was a wall of epic proportions lodged right in between us. And I knew I would die trying to scale it to reach her.

"Baby, I-"

"Don't! Don't call me that. We have a lot to talk about. But not tonight, maybe not even tomorrow. You have to give me a little time to ...adjust." She sniffed and I knew she was crying.

I stepped back before I pulled her into my arms and tried to make everything all right. "All I have is time. Literally. It's all I have." I answered.

_Other than love and regret, it's all I have. _

"Go back to bed, Edward. I'll see you tomorrow... And just so you know, he's not my fucking husband."

Then she turned and walked away from me, leaving me in the kitchen to drown in my memories, to wallow in my self pity, and maybe dance just a teeny-tiny bit in my hope with her last revelation.

**_If you have love, you don't need to have anything else, and if you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you have._**

**_~James M. Barrie_**

* * *

_Beta'd by psyche001, Preread by amieforshort, definitely the nuts in my Rocky Road._

_I will say this once, I will never ship JacobxBella as more than friends. Never._

_So what do you think of Bella's reaction to Edward?_

_Talk to me._

_~Stacy_

_Twitter: Mrs_Robward_


	10. Come Back

Every now & again, this is kinda important:

**DISCLAIMER: Twilight & it's characters are not mine. **

**Neither is my pen name **(there really is a Mrs. Rob Ward)** or The Dwyer House** (there really is one of those too!)

* * *

_D'you ever see yourself in my eyes?_  
_Did you ever think that maybe I'd be lost without you?_  
_D'you ever think that I was alright_  
_You knew it all along_

_D'ya ever try to sing to my songs?_  
_Did you ever take a walk is wasn't walking with you, yea?_  
_Did you love me just to be loved?_  
_I knew it all along, I didn't try._

_Sometimes I like to be alone._  
_Sometimes I try to telephone..._

_Lover, come back to me,_  
_Lover, come back to me,_  
_In your arms is where I need to be_  
_I am alone_  
_I am alone_  
_A raging sea._

_I want to taste your bronze skin's delights._  
_Did you ever want to be the sun that browns me?_  
_D'ya ever think that I might decide?_  
_To ask you to stay, baby put up a fight._

_Lover, come back to me, yea_  
_In your arms is where I need to be_  
_I am alone_  
_I am alone in this raging sea, yea_

_Lover Come Back to Me ~ Candlebox_

(these song links are always on my profile.)

* * *

**~Edward**

I sat alone in the kitchen until my eye lids became heavy. My body was aching and I remembered maybe seeing a prescription bottle upstairs beside the bed so I hesitantly retreated to my room.

There was no label on the bottle, but I figured it was for either pain or for sleep. I didn't care which so I took two.

I just wanted to stop thinking and feeling for a while. It was all too much, my brain hurt as much as my heart did, and my battered soul was hanging on by a thread.

**~x()x~**

I rolled over and pain shot down my neck and radiated toward my lower back. I knew that motorcycle would do me in eventually.

I opened my eyes and noticed it was still dark outside. There was no way that I'd only slept an hour or so, that meant I'd probably slept through the whole damn day.

I slowly stood up and surveyed the room again. My eyes stung with happy tears as the feeling of nostalgia washed over me and I couldn't help but grin. I missed the hell out of this place. I was stupid to think I could have ever left this. This house was more of a home to me than any other place in the world.

_I belong here._

This place was where Bella was and really, that was all that mattered. SHE was all that mattered.

Righting this wrong...was what mattered.

I needed to confess everything to her, even though I wasn't exactly sure why I did the things I did or why I left and avoided her. My explanations probably wouldn't be enough, nothing I could say would ever be enough. I doubted that I ever had a chance with her again. If she'd just forgive me and be my friend I might have been able to live with myself.

_Maybe. _

I took my time in shower in the adjoining bathroom and then used the new toothbrush left on the counter. Someone had left a stack of new clothes on the edge of the couch, I assumed all for me.

I wanted to think Bella was taking care of me because she still loved me, even if just a little. It might have been a long shot, wishful thinking even, but I had plenty of hope to build on.

The house was still and dark as I descended the stairs. The smells of the dinner recently served wafted through the house and my stomach growled.

I stopped in the doorway of the large kitchen and suddenly felt very uncomfortable; unwelcome even.

The big guy who-wasn't-her-husband was sitting at the table eating from a plate piled high with way too much food. His eyes narrowed at me and his chewing slowed as he sized me up.

A plump lady with an apron, waddled over to me and flung her arms around my neck. "Edward! I'm so glad you're up. I was afraid I'd miss seeing you awake!"

I wasn't sure who she was and I felt like a dumb ass asking her name.

She leaned back, her arms still holding on to mine, "I bet you don't even remember me, huh?" She giggled and I shrugged as I shook my head.

"It's me, Mrs. Nell. I've been the cook here for ten years now."

I opened my mouth with an O as I recalled who she was. She had worked for Renee and she was the cook when we used to visit. She used to bake me and Bella brownies all the time.

"Mrs. Nell. I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you. My, my, my - have you lost weight?"

She shook her head and laughed again. She let go of my arms and patted my cheek, then walked back over to the double stove and continued with what ever she was doing.

"Now Edward, I was just finishing up. Have a seat there with Jacob and I'll fix you a plate. You're nothing but skin and bones. One of these strong winter storms will hit us and you'll blow away."

I tentatively walked over to the table in the kitchen and sat down as far away from 'Jacob' as I could. His eyes were shooting death rays at me but I didn't back down from him, not even for a second.

Like a child I wanted to stick out my tongue and chant, "You're not her husband, na-na na-na boo boo." But that wouldn't be too smart on my part because I had yet to learn who exactly he was or _what_ he was in relation to Bella.

"I remember every time you and your family would visit! Your father always requested my peach cobbler. Lovely, lovely people." Mrs. Nell said as she sat a plate full of food down in front of me.

I looked up to thank her and saw the sorrow she was eying me with.

"I'm sorry. That was out of line." She whispered as she stood over me wiping her hands on her apron.

"No ma'am. No apology is necessary. Thank you for this." I nodded toward the food. She had mentioned my parents then apologized, if she knew something about them then so did Bella. That made me nervous.

"Good evening, fellows. It was wonderful to see you again, Edward. Enjoy your dinner." Then she flicked off the light above the stove and left.

Jacob and I ate in total silence. He never looked away from me and I only looked away searching the doors for Bella.

_Where was she?_

"I don't like you," Jacob said as he laid his fork in his plate and folded up his arms in front of him.

"Excuse me? You don't even know me." _Asshole._

"I know more than you think. Renee, she hired me about five years ago. So... I've been around awhile." He smugly stated.

I wanted to pound his face in. I was pretty disturbed to know that he'd been around basicly the whole time I was gone. Matter of fact I was so pissed, I could have split nails with my teeth.

"So, Mr. Know-it-all, where's Bella now?" I laid my napkin on the table, finished with my food, it seemed I'd lost my appetite.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Then he smiled and showed his too-white grill. "But why not? I'm sure she wouldn't mind if I told you. After all, she did say for me to be nice to you."

I'd give him credit, he was pretty damn sure of himself. I trusted him about as far as I could throw him, which was not very far. I crossed my arms over my chest. My anger had never been tested like this. Little did he know that I'd had an over abundance of pent-up shit lately. I wasn't down for being fucked with.

I raised my eyebrows as to say 'spill you pompous mother...'

"But first, just let me say this," he interrupted my thoughts, "don't hurt her again. Don't even think about hurting her. She's been through so much shit. And for some reason – you ran off like a little bitch. YOU really don't have any idea how hard it's been for her. I swear, I think she was finally getting ...better, and then you go and show up again..."

He huffed as he trailed off from his thoughts and moved away from the table.

I didn't say a word. I even bit the inside of my cheek to keep my mouth shut. He didn't know me from Adam or what I'd been through, so he could kiss my white ass. I stood up and carried my plate to the sink. I walked toward the door to go back upstairs.

As soon as I reached the doorway, Jacob cleared his throat. I stopped but didn't turn around.

"She should be back tonight. She's been out with Peter all day. I'm almost positive she's trying to fuck Edward Cullen out of her system."

**~x()x~**

**~Bella Swan**

I'd lost count of the hours I'd been sitting here and the waitress, she was doing a damn fine job. Every time I finished my drink, the empty glass was cleared away and replaced with one of the same.

No one had stopped and offered to buy my drinks or be my company.

_Thank God. _One of the many reasons I loved this place.

Thankfully after three or four drinks, my body was starting to relax. There was no doubt, the tension rolled off me in waves and the hopelessness of my situation was like a cloak draped around my shoulders.

I wiped the slow tears from my face as they fell and let every thought drift through my mind as it pleased, there were just so many.

The only thing I knew for sure was that Edward was back.

_He was back. _

It'd been so long. I was sure I was over him. I'd even begun to smile when I remembered one of our countless memories.

Then like a phantom trapped within the darkness, he stood at my door; a lost, frightened look in his eyes and I broke all over again.

For years I'd prayed, and begged, and pleaded so many times for him to just come back to me. When I thought that was impossible – that he really was gone from my life forever – I just wanted to know he was safe. That he was alive and well.

Soon, I'd lost all hope of ever knowing anything about him or his whereabouts and figured he must be dead; either in the same manner of his father or by someone else's hand.

I accepted and lived with the fact that Edward was just... gone; gone from me and gone from my life.

But now with his return, I didn't know anything anymore.

When I told him to leave and never comeback, it was the hardest thing I'd ever done.

When I saw him on the porch, I was scared, and shocked, and surprised. My instinct to protect my fractured heart and soul made me cast him away. I knew nothing good could come from his return to the house, or to me.

But at the same time, I wanted to drop to my knees and thank God he was alive and that his broken path had somehow led him back to me.

The knowledge that maybe now I could get some answers hit me full throttle in the chest. It lingered there and weighed heavily, suffocating me. It was the best and the worst thing that could ever happen.

I wanted to know everything! The whys and the how-comes?

Mostly...why?

Why did he leave me? I thought there was nothing that we couldn't handle together. Nothing.

Did he not love me anymore or want to be with me?

What had he done since he'd left me? Where did he go?

What happened with Carlisle and Esme?

Had he met someone else? Does he ...love another?

Does he still love...

Some of the questions were too painful to even ponder. There was no way on earth that I wanted to ask those questions and listen to those answers, even though I knew I had to.

_I had to._

_Good God, I really shouldn't care!_

Once I loved him more than life itself and he left me like it was nothing. No calls. No letters. No emails or texts. Just silence. Heartbreaking, life changing, grievous silence. He left me alone to single-handedly deal with the breakdown of my world around me.

_He was gone when I needed him the most..._

I wasn't strong enough. I crumbled right along with the destruction. I even forgot who I was amongst all the ruin. Not until recently had I started to feel a sense of normalcy and calmness in my life.

Then he rocked my world all over again.

Mr. Jack called and told me there was a pretty boy who was slipping in and out of consciousness and calling out my name. He warned that he was drunk and had crashed his motorcycle under the bridge and that he might even be hurt badly. I immediately ran to save him.

I didn't even think twice.

It was relief and damnation.

There was no way I could turn him away again. Not yet.

Seeing Edward broken and lifeless momentarily erased the years of my pent up misery and loss. It caused the consuming love I once had for him to suddenly blitz through my blood like poison. It rose up and blurred my vision. It made my hair stand on end and my body buzz with emotion. That love made me feel more alive than I had in years and it scared me senseless.

That love was supposed to be smoldering down deep in the alcoves of my heart, never to be set ablaze by a gentle breeze that was 'Edward Cullen'.

I didn't want to love him, not anymore.

I didn't want to long to touch him again.

I didn't want to ache for him to hold me like he used to.

But I did.

I wanted all those things and more, and I hated myself for it.

Still loving Edward was like me playing with fire, and my soul was as flammable as gasoline. One wishful glance, one searing kiss, one touch that would lead to another, and I would perish within the flames.

I couldn't do it. The damage was too deep, the devastation was irreversible.

No matter how my heart might trick me, or how my body might gravitate toward his, I had to keep Edward at a distance and erase the feelings of what-could-have-been.

I'd grown up a lot since Edward left. I wasn't the same Bella that he knew and loved. Living had matured me and life's lessons had slapped me firm in the face. They'd taught me the hard way to survive and carry on, regardless of the trials set before me.

I persevered, but not without misery or problems.

I endured, even when I thought it'd be easier to just give up.

I'd made it this far.

_Barely._

"There you are, Doll," Peter announced as he approached my table. He leaned forward and kissed the top of my head.

My face was downcast. I knew he'd pick up on my sadness the second I looked at him.

"Hey." I answered.

"What is it?" He whispered when our eyes met, "what happened, Bella?" He gently brushed my hair away from my face, some of it was stuck to my cheeks in my half-dried tears. "Are you okay?"

I shook my head and the tears flowed a little more freely. I was so confused.

After five handfuls of napkins, I was finally able to steady my breathing and stop crying. Peter and I had history, the good and the bad kind. One thing was for certain, he was a good listener.

"Edward's back." I choked out.

His brow crinkled as he understood, "_The_ Edward?"

"Yeah, the one and only. Oh my God Peter, what am I gonna do?" I buried my face in my hands and tried to get my breathing back under control.

He grabbed my hands and pulled them down to lay inside his on the table. "What do you want to do?"

I shrugged.

"Is he at the house now?"

I nodded and told Peter everything that had happened up until this point.

"But you still haven't told me what you want to do, Bella. Do you want him there at the house? Do you want him to stay?"

I let a smile slip onto my lips because it felt like trick question. "I...I don't want him to go."

It was relieving to say it. There was no way I could have said those words to Jake. He'd flip his shit.

_Not __that__ it mattered. _

"So?" Peter asked as his fingers rubbed over my tightly closed fist.

"So, I know I don't want to send him away... not yet. I think I need answers, regardless of how damaging they might be to me. I have to know. We both have secrets to tell and we need...closure."

Peter nodded, "I understand." Then he chuckled, "so much for us having a business meeting, huh?"

"I'm sorry," I sighed. "When I called you last night, I knew I had to get out of the house for the day to think, ya' know? You were just my go-to-guy."

"That's a compliment, right?" He smiled and I studied his face. Why couldn't I love him years ago when we were together? He was a good man, financially stable, and handsome. Most of all, he'd never broken my heart or left me unexpectedly.

But I never did love him for more than just a friend. It was just wrong, he was just wrong. His eyes were too blue. His cologne was too strong. His hands were always damp. His laugh was too deep and his hair was too curly.

He was no Edward.

It was sad in a way that his love for me wasn't enough. "Thank you for being my friend, Pete. You're the best."

"You're welcome, it's my pleasure. Do want me to take you home?" He stood and threw some money on the table.

"Yeah, I'm not so sure I should drive. I can come back tomorrow and get my car."

"Let's go." Peter led me out of the bar and silently we rode back to the B&B.

I fought to keep my eyes open, but every time they drifted shut I was reminded of Edward.

I thought of him yesterday lying there in his old bed, his hair in disarray against the white cotton pillow case. I knew the pain meds Dr. Sue had given him had knocked him out cold, so I'd allowed myself to touch him all I wanted to.

His hair was as soft as ever, his lips so warm and pink. The angles of his face were more defined and his features – even with the cuts and bruises, were more beautiful. His stubble was rough and his eyebrows were wild. As I touched him my fingers tingled, yet I found myself calm and at ease.

Touching him once wasn't enough, nor was touching him for hours. I found myself not wanting to leave his room, afraid he'd disappear into thin air again.

_Damn him! _Damn him for the hold that he still had over me. Even after all these years, I found myself drawn to him uncontrollably.

It didn't settle well with me.

Edward potentially had the power to demolish the weak foundation I'd been building in my life. He could easily love me then leave me like he did before.

And I knew I couldn't survive it again. I didn't trust him, him or any other man for that matter.

But I had to be strong.

I would let Edward stay at the house while he was healing and while Mr. Black was repairing his bike. Then he had to go.

By then, we would have had plenty of time to talk and hash everything out. We could both benefit from the closure and then move on. Give each other a proper goodbye. Like friends were supposed to do.

Peter pulled around back of the B&B near my adjacent apartment. He walked around to my door and helped me out of the SUV. The lingering alcohol in my system did nothing to halt the turbulence that roared inside me. This was going to happen. I would finally know everything.

I reached around his neck and hugged him tightly. He was good to me and I was glad I could count on him. He held me close and I kissed his cheek. I still felt a little tipsy and I stumbled when I pulled away.

"Come on." He held onto my waist as we walked toward my door. We stopped under my faint porch light and he turned to face me with both of his hands on my hips. "You want me to stay?" He reached up and tucked my hair behind my ear.

I shook my head and looked away.

I knew Peter still loved me, he told me all the time. I had complicated our already strained friendship time and time again with meaningless sex. "Thanks for the ride." I stepped out of his reach as he tilted his head down to kiss me.

I didn't want to kiss him.

"Bella?" His voice was questioning and hurt.

"Good night." I answered as I stuck my key inside the lock. I took my time and just stood silent with my forehead pressed against the cool glass of the door.

I listened to the gravel crunch under Peter's feet as he walked away, then his door slammed, and his engine roared to life as he peeled out of the driveway and met the pavement.

I felt guilty for stringing him along all these years, even though I'd always been honest with him.

I jumped when I heard the outside door to the B&B quietly shut.

Edward.

I knew that silhouette anywhere. He'd been waiting on me to return.

"Is that your place?" He asked as he tentatively walked toward me. His hands stuck tight in his pockets.

As he neared me, my heart clenched at the anxiety all over his face and the slump of his shoulders in defeat.

"Yeah," I answered as I turned away from him before I burst into tears again. "Renee had this addition built on for me a few years ago."

I unlocked the door and opened it wide. I took a deep breath before I spoke, still not able to look at him, "You wanna come in?"

**_Forgiveness is a sign that the person who has wronged you means more to you than the wrong they have dealt. _**

**_~Ben Greenhalgh _**

* * *

_The Dwyer House** won Best Angst in the Gem Awards!** I couldn't have done it without your votes, so thank you all so very much. It was my FIRST WIN ever!_

_Mega shout out to Amie who pre reads for me and says she fangirls over me, even though I think she's full of it and also to Elena who takes times out of her uber busy days to beta my junk._

_What would you do if your 1st love or your 1st heartbreak returned & there were no strings attached? I know what I'd do.. I'd sex him up, just once at least... I missed out on that way back in the day._

_Should Bella forgive Edward so soon? Should Edward give up on her? Should he kick Jacob's ass? I hope to surprise you with a few things. I promise it won't ALL be angsty & there will be some luvin._

_I look forward to your reviews._

_Twitter: Mrs_Robward_

_Thanks for reading,_

_~Stacy_


	11. Ripples

_I__'m holdin' on your rope,  
Got me ten feet off the ground.  
And I'm hearin' what you say,  
But I just can't make a sound.  
You tell me that you need me,  
Then you go and cut me down...  
But wait...  
You tell me that you're sorry,  
Didn't think I'd turn around...  
And say..._

_That it's too late to apologize.  
It's too late... _

_I'd take another chance,  
Take a fall, take a shot for you.  
I need you like a heart needs a beat,  
But it's nothin' new.  
I loved you with a fire red,  
Now it's turnin' blue...  
And you say...  
Sorry, like an angel  
Heaven let me think was you...  
But I'm afraid... _

_Apologize - One Republic (without Timbaland)  


* * *

_

**~Edward **

I stood motionless staring out the window into the dark. There were no lights illuminating the driveway, there were no hanging welcome signs suggesting for you to come in. No one was even sitting at the small reception desk waiting on guests to arrive.

It was just me and my thoughts.

It was difficult to understand how I felt so empty and so full at the same time.

I was sure it was just being here at the Dwyer House that gave me that false sense of completeness.

In the past six years, I'd purposefully distanced myself from anything that would remind me of my youth, my family, or the lack thereof. This place was always one of our most treasured, most sacred places to be together. Hell, I'd practically grown up here. Now, I'd let a little of that back in and that had to be good for me. The emptiness in my life had all but drained me to almost nothingness. I'd been living so long with no life in me and I was ready for a change.

_A change._

I couldn't get Bella out of my thoughts. I knew she said she needed time and I agreed that I'd give her as much. But this was killing me, I couldn't wait any longer. I had to release the words that had been pent up in me for so long.

Nothing could prepare me for what _he_ had said and the way that particular sentence ripped through my heart, _"I'm almost positive she's trying to fuck Edward Cullen out of her system."_

It was probably the truth. I'd done the same thing for years, but was unsuccessful. Bella was embedded into my system and I don't think I'd ever rid myself of her. I didn't want to.

I paced the empty rooms downstairs, waiting on her to return. I'd walk all night long if I had to. The house was so dark and quiet. Every now and again I'd hear a guest slam a door or the faint sounds of a television.

I don't know how long it was before headlights reflected off the glass on the front door. I watched as they turned to brighten the drive around to the back of the house. I quickened my steps to watch at the backdoor as the vehicle stopped outside of the new rooms that had been added on.

I saw her exit the car door with some tall guy. He had his hands on her waist and I immediately knew why my heart began to pound and my hands began to tremble.

I was jealous, more so than I'd ever been. I refrained from walking out that door, until I could calm myself down. I gripped the doorknob until my knuckles were white and my palm ached.

I watched as he walked her to the door and when I saw him lean down to kiss her, I was afraid my knees would give out.

But she turned away from him and there were no kisses. No reason for me to wish to die a thousand deaths after having to watch her make out with another man. He hurried off and drove away without looking back.

I opened the door, wanting to go to her, and demand answers and explanations. I wanted to have her run and jump into my arms, and promise we'd never be apart again.

Yet, I knew I was a fool. So instead, I just stuck my hands in my pockets and slowly approached her. "Is that your place?" I asked, wanting to talk but not having any idea where to start.

"Yeah, Renee had this addition built on for me a few years ago." She quickly turned her face away from me.

She unlocked the door and swung it open, "You wanna come in?"

My heart skipped a beat.

This was it. I nodded and stepped inside. It was a fairly large open room. The living room, kitchen, and dining room all running together.

Bella busied herself around me; hanging her coat, slipping off her shoes, and turning on lamps. "Do you want something?" She held up a bottle of some kind of liquor and shook it.

"Nah." Briefly our eyes met and she quickly looked away again. I wanted her to look at me, I needed her to know that after all this time, I was still the same guy I was all those years ago; just a little wiser, a little more broken, but still so much in love that it hurt.

"Have a seat," she gestured toward the couch.

I took a deep breath and pulled my hands out of my pockets. I rubbed them quickly up and down my thighs to try and relax myself. It wasn't working.

She sat down at one end of the couch and curled her legs up underneath herself. She was still looking at anything but me and I sat at the other end of the sofa, still feeling miles away from her.

"So this is your place?"

She nodded. "It's not much. Just this," her finger pointed and swirled in a circle, "what you see, two more rooms and a bathroom. That's it."

"It's still nice," I answered.

The uncomfortable silence settled around us again. I didn't like it. "Bella," my voice barely louder than a whisper, "I don't know where to start."

I couldn't take my eyes off her. The glow and twinkle of the small fireplace in front of us danced around her face. She still took my breath away.

"Me neither," she murmured. She let her head fall back on the couch and closed her eyes.

I sat back and tried to slow the thoughts that were racing through my mind and latch on to one of them to tell her. Finally the silence between us became too much. I turned in my seat on the couch, pulling up my knee slightly to face her. "I'm sorry."

She lifted her head, and finally she looked at me. Her brow was wrinkled and the look on her face was unreadable.

I felt like I was sinking.

"I am so sorry. If I knew it would help, I'd say it to you a million times...because I really am. If I knew then what I knew now, I'd change it all."

She swallowed hard but at least she didn't look away.

"It doesn't help does it?" I asked as I shook my head.

"Not even a little bit." She muttered.

I practically gasped at her admission. My emotions were running so wild I couldn't think of what to say next.

"Why?" She said it so quiet I thought maybe I'd imagined it.

"Why?" I asked her back, "Why did I leave you?"

She nodded and her eyes glistened. The evidence of her tears filling her eyes sparkled from the light of the fire.

"I thought I had no other options. I was a fast sinking ship, Bella. I didn't want you to drown with me. You deserved better. You still do."

"I would have," she said as she barely shook her head. "There was nothing more I wanted than to just... be with you. Sinking. Sailing. Swimming. Anything. And then you just left me."

I rubbed my face with my hand. "I know. I was stupid. I never wanted to hurt you. But that's what I did anyway, huh?"

"Hurt?" Her eyes narrowed again. "That doesn't quite cover it. Crushed? Tortured? Those are better descriptions of what you did to me, Edward."

"Bella-"

"What happened to your father? I...I know he died." Her voice was a little louder, but it was still void of emotion.

"He killed himself. With a gun to the temple." I said a little too sharply. A look of sorrow and maybe pity covered her face.

"Right before we last saw each other right?" Thank goodness she was still looking at me.

I nodded. "How did you know about it?" I had to ask.

"Google. But there's only so much a local city's newspaper obituary explains."

"Yeah." I'd never thought much about it. "What did it say?"

"You didn't read it?"

I shook my head. "Um, I wasn't reading much at the time."

She finally looked away from me and seemed to be hesitant to talk. "I actually still have it if you want to read it."

Her confession stilled my breathing and I didn't know what to think of it. Thankfully she kept talking before I could read too much into it.

"It just spoke of what a good man he was, and how he would be greatly missed in the community. That he'd left his wife and son behind. That his death was sudden." Her voice was softer now.

"Oh, yeah?" The only other time I'd talk about my father's death was when I'd talked to Lauren and Jessica. When I told them, it seemed as though I was just retelling some story I'd heard before. But talking to Bella about it was like reliving it. It was uncomfortable and make my heart hurt and my chest fill with gloom.

"Tell me," she whispered and turned toward me, mirroring my position on the couch.

I nodded, "There's just so much... to tell."

I wondered what she would think of me if I told her that I'd rather touch her as I talked. If I said how much easier this would be on me if I could lay my head in her lap as I explained. But I didn't want to push her away. So I resigned to at least lose myself in her eyes that were finally peering deep into mine. Maybe I could get a little drunk on her presence; that might numb me while I had to rehash all this.

"Do you remember my dad's new associate, Dr. Banner? And how much I didn't like him?" I wasn't the least bit apprehensive to tell her everything. I at least owed her that.

She nodded. "He was a bad person wasn't he?"

"You could say that, he was a pedophile. He... had a thing for teenage boys. Evidently he'd been doing it for years. Moving state to state to flee accusations. Each time, he was getting bolder, and his victims getting older in age."

Her eyes widened and her hand covered her mouth, I knew what was coming next. "No, Edward. Tell me he didn't. Not to you."

I had to look away from her as my shame resurfaced. "Um...it was nothing. It happened right before I turned seventeen. He cornered me one day at the office. He just... he fondled me while he got himself off. That's all."

"Edward..."

"No. I was able to forget about it and move on. Really, I was." I tried to convince her.

"But why didn't your parents do anything to him?" She sounded confused.

I quietly laughed through my nose. "I didn't tell them." I said as I looked to meet her eyes again.

"But why?"

Right then I wished there was a simple answer to all her questions, one that would make every thing so easy to understand.

"For many reasons. He threathened that my mother would be next if I told anyone. And I thought it would've ruined my dad's practice, which I know now wouldn't have mattered, but...still. And they would have kept me away..." She had to understand, but her confusion was still there.

"They would have kept me away from you. My dad was already complaining that we were too serious. And I'll admit, there were sleepless nights because I missed you all the time, and even some depression too. It did get a little worse after it happened - but my dad, he seemed to blame everything on us.

"There was no telling what he would've done. He'd probably would have sent me to some psych hospital. I couldn't tell him the truth, that all I needed was to be near you. You took away the pain, and the nightmares, and the awful memories. You made me feel normal again."

She had slow tears running down her face. "Why didn't you tell me at least? I would've been there for you. I wouldn't have passed judgment or anything. I loved you Edward."

I didn't miss the way she said 'loved' and how it was past tense.

"Bella, it's hard to explain, but it felt like if I didn't talk about it to anyone, it was less real. Almost to the point where it hadn't happened."

"So I'm guessing your dad finally found out?"

I took a deep breath. "Yeah, his son, I think his name was Jeff, he was a victim too. He took a gun to school and killed a bunch of his classmates, before he killed himself. He had a note in his pocket explaining everything that he knew about his father.

"My dad put two and two together. My depression and isolation. How I wouldn't go into the office anymore. He just knew. Then he got really upset and he...

"He blamed it on me. I think they both did." I said almost bewildered. "He kept saying if only I would've told him when it happened that maybe he could've done something to change it or stop it. And that countless lives were ruined because of my actions."

"Wait," she ran her fingers through her hair. "You think your mother and father blamed you for all that?"

"No, I know they did. My father blamed me for not stepping up and being a man about it. My mother blamed me because my father killed himself. She hasn't talked to me since that night we found out about his suicide."

I stretched my arm out on the back of the couch. I wanted her to lay her hand on top of mine. I needed her touch.

Instead, she stood up shaking her head. "Edward, that's just fucked up! I can't believe that about them. I mean. It wasn't your fault." She poured herself another drink. "You know that, right? It wasn't your fault. None of it."

I didn't answer her. I just watched her as she came back over to the couch, hoping she'd sit a little bit closer. I noticed that her eyes were read and glassy. Her steps were slow and calculated. "It doesn't matter what I think." I answered.

Bella sat back down a little closer but still too far away. The nostalgia of our past intimacy was lingering in my head and clouding my thoughts.

"Where is she now?" She asked as she sipped at her drink. I was glad for the change of conversation, blame was not something I really wanted to talk about.

"My mother?" I clarified.

"Yes."

"I don't know. After the funeral she stayed a few days with her sister, Elizabeth, in Seattle. Then she took off. I don't know where she went."

"So, you haven't talked to her since?"

I scratched my head, "No."

"I'm sorry, Edward." The words dripped from her lips and I imagined them washing over me and cleansing me of my guilt and shame. I wished that was all it took. "No, Bella. You don't ever have to apologize to me."

"But I am. No matter what you think of yourself, you didn't deserve any of that."

I just nodded. I wanted to believe that the worst was over, I'd spoke my past. Most of it anyway, at least the part that I thought she was curious about.

"I have my own story you know, with good and bad things, and..." She closed her eyes and shook her head.

Repeating her words from earlier, I said, "Tell me."

She smiled a little and then opened her eyes. The sadness in her eyes was thick, and I found myself lost in it.

_Sinking_.

"There's a lot to tell." She answered. "Just.. so much."

The feeling inside me intensified to hold and comfort her. She should never have to hurt so much.

"I need to show you something," she said as she sat her glass on the end table and stood up. I followed her over to one of the two closed doors.

We went inside and I immediately knew it was her bedroom. It smelled of her, and it was warm and inviting. Pictures hung on the wall, most of people I didn't know. One was of her and her mother, years ago. I wanted to ask where Renee was, but I guessed she'd tell me in time.

She went to her closet and opened the door. She reached up and pulled a box off the top shelf. I knew what it was. It was the wooden box I had made for her in shop class during my Sophomore year of high school. A gift I'd given her to hide our mementos in. She still had it. She brought it over to the bed and sat it down.

For a second I wanted to smile because it was still in her possession, and it was a part of us. But Bella wasn't smiling. As a matter of fact, she didn't look happy at all.

"After you left me, you should know that I was on cloud nine. That time we spent together was like magic to me and I couldn't wait for us to get to the forever part - of us. The time when we could be together every day. We'd never really had that, ya' know?"

She paused and stared at the closed lid. "At first when you didn't call me, I just figured you were busy or maybe fighting with your dad. I didn't think nothing of it. I worried a little, but I knew you'd call soon enough. After I didn't hear from you for about a month, I became anxious. That's when I snooped and found out your father was dead."

I swallowed hard, not knowing where this was going.

She blew out a deep breath. "So then, I figured that you and your Mom were having it hard or maybe that you two had went away for some alone time to sort stuff out, or something. I still worried about you every day. I worried so much I got sick and I couldn't sleep or eat or concentrate. Renee forced me to go to the doctor, she said I was withering away."

She opened up the box and began to sort through papers and such. "That's when I did this." She handed me an airplane ticket. "I flew to Seattle to find you. I needed desperately to talk to you... and show you this."

She handed me another piece of this paper. It was a black and white photograph. It mainly looked like static with a tiny oblong thing in the center. Then it sank in. It was an ultrasound picture. Bella's name, date, and time was printed on the top.

I looked at her in shock.

"Come to find out, I wasn't sick with worry. And I know what you're thinking – I mean, yeah, I was on the pill at the time. But the warning the doctor had given me a few days before about my antibiotics affecting my birth control was the last thing on my mind while you were here."

"But..." I was speechless.

"At first I was kind of excited. I didn't want a baby, but – it was with you, so..." She just kept staring at the floor as she spoke. My eyes darting between her and the picture.

"I gave you until I was six months along to come back before I made any decisions. When I never did hear from you, I went ahead with it. I put the baby up for adoption."

Her words cut through me and left me hollow. In the past few minutes that I'd been holding onto that black and white photo, I'd already become attached, caring for someone whom I'd never met. A small someone I never knew, yet longed to cherish and protect forever.

I didn't understand, not any of it. This was so simple yet so complicated all at the same time. I sunk down to the floor to rest my back against the bed. My legs no longer strong enough to hold me up. "You did what?" I couldn't look away from the picture.

Bella slowly sat down beside me. "You left me so broken Edward, most days I didn't want to live. The ache and confusion that was inside me, every minute it sucked the life right out of me. And that baby, all I could think about was that it would be this constant reminder of my pain. Seeing her everyday would remind me how much I missed you. Yet, how much I hated you for making me do something so difficult by myself. And I was afraid that over time, I'd resent her for that."

I felt a few tears slip down my cheeks as I blinked. "Did you say.. her?"

I looked at Bella's face, it was also wet with tears. She nodded, "Yeah, and you know what? Before I left the hospital, they left me hold her one time, and – oh my, when I looked at her I saw you. Her eyes," Bella laughed, "they were... just magnificent. All the nurses even stopped by my room to compliment on her eyes. They said it was uncommon for a baby to have such colorful eyes. Most eyes at birth are just this dark neutral color, but hers, they were the same as yours. But they also had these little brown flecks, I guess like mine. She...she was just beautiful."

I still didn't know what to say.

"She was perfect, but I did the right thing, Edward. I wasn't stable enough to be a mother." She was ringing her hands as she looked at the picture that I now had clutched to my chest. "I don't know that I'll ever be." She whispered so quietly, I wasn't sure she was talking to me.

I let my arms fall to my sides, still holding onto the picture of our baby.

_Our baby._

I had so many questions, my head was spinning.

Now I was sure of it, I knew I was sinking. One small ripple in the river of my life had set off a chain reaction of catastrophe in so many lives of others around me. There would soon be a tidal wave, a tsunami, a great wall of sorrow that I wouldn't be able to escape from. I would drown in the wake of my past actions.

Just as I felt like everything was crashing in on me, just as it all seemed to be too much, somehow she knew the exact thing to do.

I look down at her fingers tangled with mine. Her thumb brushing over my pinky, the warmth of her palm on my skin brought me back to the surface.

Finally.

I could breathe again.

**_Let go of what kills you and hold on to what keeps you breathing. _**

**_~S__pongebob

* * *

_**

_So I know some of you saw that coming, right?_

_There is so much more to learn about our Bella. So far most of you have been rooting for Edward, do you still feel the same?_

_Everything will be answered it time._

_Elena beta'd this crap & Amie read it and told me that it wasn't crap (but I don't believe her), anyway, I'm giving it to ya'll b/c it's all I got._

_~Stacy_

_Twitter: Mrs_Robward_


	12. Hopeful Stars

_Tears I wouldn't let fall from my eyes, and how I let her go without a fight._

_The reasons I'm alone I know by heart, but I don't wanna spend forever in the dark._

_I swear next time Ill hang on for dear life. If love ever gives me another try._

_There's no things that we regret, the best that we can hope for is one more chance._  
_If the hands of time could just move in reverse, I wouldn't make the same mistake again with her._

_Another Try ~ Josh Turner _

* * *

Bella and I sat in silence for a few minutes, her hand still resting over mine. I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had. I hesitantly handed her back the thin, square picture that I now had embedded into my soul.

She placed it back in the box and shut the top.

There was so much I wanted to say, but none of it would be enough, it never would be enough to convey how truly sorry I was. "Bella, I ...I don't know what to say."

"I understand. Listen Edward, I've had five years to deal with it and adjust. You... you just found out. It'll take time to sink in. It really was for the best though. You understand that, right? Even now, today – I don't regret giving her up."

She was right, it would take a hell of a lot of time for me to wrap my head around this. "Really? You don't regret it? At all?" I know I did, I regretted it.

"Regret it? No, but that doesn't stop me from thinking about her all the time. I wonder what she looks like, if she's healthy and... happy." Bella looked down and squeezed my fingers, "If she knows about me and that she's adopted, if she'll ever look for me, and if she hates me or not."

She took a deep breath. "But mostly, I know that I couldn't give her what she deserved, not then, maybe not even now. So yeah, it was the best decision I've ever made."

Hearing Bella talk like that made me feel more lost than I already was. I just didn't get how she could talk about it like it was nothing. Weren't mothers and their children supposed to have this unbreakable bond?

Then I was reminded of my own mother, and I knew those bonds – they weren't so strong and sometimes they broke very easily under pressure.

And it became a little bit easier to comprehend. Still not all right, but understandable.

I looked over at her and her face was unreadable, doing good at hiding whatever she was feeling. Her thoughts were such a mystery. I didn't like it.

My ass was hurting from setting on the floor and the fatigue was making my soreness from the wreck worse. I stretched out my legs, careful not to move my hand too much so Bella wouldn't let go.

She did anyway.

"Don't," I whispered as she tried to stand.

She smiled a sad smile and bent over me, "It's late, Edward. You need to rest."

I just shook my head and looked down at our hands. If I had to choose, I'd never rest if it meant having to forgo touching her.

She reached out her other hand to me, "At least get up off the floor."

I grabbed her hand and let her think she was pulling me to my feet, though I really didn't need her assistance. It was late, the night was almost over but there was still so much we hadn't said.

"I don't think I'll be able to sleep," I confessed.

"Yeah, me neither." She released both of my hands and picked up the box. She carried it back over to her closet and put it up.

"Are you..." She didn't look at me again as she spoke, her back still turned to me. "Are you leaving soon?" Her voice was apprehensive.

I wanted to scream 'never' but that sounded so desperate. "Honestly?" I had to ask. I didn't know how much she wanted to know about how I was feeling or what I wanted, but I would tell her. I would spill my heart until she told me to stop, that my words were too much, or too fast, or too strong.

She turned around to look me dead in the eyes. "Of course, always."

"I'm here until you tell me to leave." My admission caused her to slightly grin. That had to be good, right?

She nodded her head, "Okay, I need to show you something then."

Bella handed me a coat that was hung in her closet. I didn't ask who it belonged to. I followed her out into an adjoined garage that I didn't know was there. "Is this new too?" I asked as she gestured for me to sit in a golf cart looking thing.

"It's all new... to you." She answered as she pushed a button and the garage door opened. She cranked the Gator, and we drove out into the night. She followed a dirt trail that looked like it had been newly cut through the trees. It was bumpy and rough, but she took it slow. The night air was chilly but I welcomed the sting since it made me feel more... alive.

It didn't take us long, we drove up and parked beside a small cabin I'd never seen before. It looked old and weathered, but there were visible signs that it was undergoing some kind of restoration. A couple of scaffolds were stacked along the exterior, paint cans were lined up on the small porch, and a dumpster was open and half filled with debris.

Bella jumped off the Gator and pulled a keyring from her pocket. I followed her to the side door of the cabin. She unlocked it and we both went in. It was warm inside and one small lamp was lit giving the room a soft glow. Bella flicked a light switch beside the door, and the hum of the fluorescence's above filled the quiet space around us.

She looked around the mainly empty room. "Welcome," she announced with an uneasy laugh.

"I've never been in here, have I?" I asked as I took a few steps forward.

"No, Renee kept this place closed off for the most part. It was supposed to have been her and Phil's home here at the B&B. They never did anything to it, they focused all their time on renovating the house. And then after he died, it was just too much for her to even think about. But, I've decided to fix it up. I think it'll be like the honeymoon cottage or something," she shrugged. "Something special and... elite."

I was curious and I wanted to look around, but more so I needed to know what this place had to do with me.

"So..." she trailed off, looking at me with worry, "hear me out, okay?"

I walked over to the cabinets and turned to rest against them. "Sure."

"The plumber, the electrician, and the roofer, they've already finished up their work. All that's left is cosmetic stuff like painting, tile, base boards, and trim – that kind of thing. So if you're interested, you can stay here and ...work?" Her eyebrows raised in question after she spoke.

"Um..." I was a little shocked. I thought I'd have to beg and plead.

"Edward, I understand if you don't want to or whatever. I wouldn't expect you to do the things you don't know how to do, and money, it's not an issue, I'll pay you..."

"No, Bella. Gah-no, that's not it all." I stammered.

"Well, what is it then?" She seemed nervous.

"I thought I'd have to practically beg you to let me stay." The words tumbled out of my mouth in embarrassment.

She shook her head and laughed. "No. No begging, Edward." Her voice softened as she said my name and my crazy heart took that as a good sign.

"I'd love to...um, work and stay here. Actually, there's no other place I'd rather be." Which in reality was a lie, in Bella's bed or even in her arms would be my first choice, but first I had to work my way back into her good graces.

"Really? That's... great. And like I said, we can work out your pay. I-"

"No, please," I interrupted. "the room and the food, it'll be enough." Bella didn't owe me anything. She never would.

"Nonsense. Let's not talk about that now. Just... let me show you around."

It had an open floor plan, and without much furniture, it was really spacious. Bella explained how she planned on arranging the furniture later; where the dining table would go, a desk, a couch, and the television. She showed me the small deck with a stone chimney. The kitchen and bathroom were self explanatory.

She hesitated as she began to ascend a spiral staircase that I assumed led to the bedroom. "This...this up here is my favorite place ever," she whispered.

The upstairs room was an open loft and there was a small bed pushed against one of the walls. There was a bedside table with a lamp and an alarm clock. Nothing else was in the room and I looked at her questioningly wondering why she would love it here so much.

As usual, she seemed to know exactly what I was thinking. "In here," she smiled as she opened a door that led to an adjoining room.

I stepped down into the room and instantly felt like I was in heaven. I slowly walked over to the wall of glass and looked out at the skyline. I hadn't noticed, but the cabin must have been on top of the hill behind the Dwyer House.

Looking out at the mountain range in the distance, the stars, and the trees below, you felt suspended in the sky. The darkness was already giving up to the dawn. The horizon barely tinged with red and a few of the stars still hung in the sky and were shining brightly.

It was peaceful, and majestic, and I wanted to her in my arms so we could admire it together. But instead I folded my arms into each other and ignored how bare they felt.

"Wow. This is..." I didn't have words.

"Breathtaking huh?" I was so lost in my surroundings, I hadn't noticed that Bella was now standing beside me, our shoulders barely touching. "Look up." she said in a breathy, low voice.

I let my head fall back and did as I was told. The whole ceiling was also complete glass, and the sky was all you could see. The stars were twinkling and the crescent moon had a solitary thin cloud drifting in front of it.

It was surreal. I felt guilty for enjoying it, things like this weren't meant for people like me.

I looked at Bella, her smile open in awe and her arms wrapped around herself. The stars reflected in her eyes and I wondered how I had survived the past six years without seeing little things like this; her, the sky, the stars, and the moon.

I never wanted it to end. I couldn't look away from her, as impressive as our surroundings were, I wouldn't be able to truly enjoy any of it without her, not if she turned me away. It was overwhelming and intense. The thought of knowing that she possibly no longer loved me and that she wouldn't always want me around, it'd do me in.

I closed my eyes and let my head fall forward to my chest in defeat. "Bella..." I had to tell her.

"Come over here." I looked up to find her laying back on a futon that was in the corner of the room. She patted the empty space beside her. "There's not a bad view anywhere in this room."

I swallowed hard and struggled to compose in my head what I needed to explain to her.

"The guy who built the house, he dreamed of being an astronomer someday. But his dad was an architect, and his grandfather, his great grandfather, and so on - he never really had a choice."

I laid down beside her on the futon as she began talking about the cabin. Her arms were folded behind her head. Both of our feet dangled off the edge of the makeshift bed and mine easily reached the floor.

"So when his father gave him the assignment to design and build this place, he secretly added this little cabin. Built it however he wanted to and he'd escape up here to loose himself in his dream. The B&B was their family summer home, but about ten years after construction was completed, his father died of a heart attack. The family had to put the place up for sale to settle the estate."

I made some sound that resembled a grunt to let Bella know I was still awake and that I'd heard what she said, but my thoughts were drifting elsewhere.

"Luckily for my mom and Phil, someone down the line of ownership let the place run down and lost it to foreclosure."

"Lucky for us all." I corrected her.

Then she grinned and whispered, "yeah," and maybe I wasn't supposed to hear it because it might not have been relevant to me at all.

We sat in silence admiring nature above us and my thoughts never once stopped tumbling in my head.

"Bella, who's Peter?" I hated to have to ask, but like a cancer it was gnawing away at what little bit of hope I had and it was better to know, rather than not know at all.

"He's works for me. He handles all the marketing and PR for the B&B, and he's like my agent too, I guess. He kind of a jack-of-all-trades. He has single-handily taken the Dwyer House to a whole other level. Now we're in the top ten of all bed and breakfast's in the United States. I owe it all to him."

She was avoiding the answers I really wanted. There was no easy way to do this, it probably wasn't even acceptable for me to ask, "But is, um... Jacob had said..." I exhaled loudly and ran my hands over my face. "Is he your boyfriend? Because I have to tell you, I can't, I can't sit around and know that you're out on... on dates and stuff. And I know that I have no right, but I... I'm sorry, I cant do that."

I stood up and walked over to the wall of windows. I didn't know how she would react. I kept expecting her to tell me to get my shit and leave again.

"I'm sorry Jacob said something to you, I'll have to..." then she huffed. I didn't turn around to look at her as she continued to talk. "I don't date. I haven't in a long while and Peter, he's not my boyfriend, he is however my ex-fiance. That was years ago..."

The room we were in suddenly became eerily quiet. It felt as though the cold air from outside had rushed in and settled around us. Her words cut deep and not because I hadn't been expecting her to date, but because I realized that she had probably loved him more so than she had loved me. I wasn't an ex-fiance, I was just an ex-boyfriend that had left her in the worst way possible.

"I don't know what you're thinking Edward, but Pete and I didn't stay together for long. We mutually decided that marriage wasn't the right step for us to take."

Once again the masochist in me had to rise above the coward and voice his questions, "Why?"

"Why what?" The tone of her voice almost sounded aggravated. "Why did we not stay together? Why did we not stay engaged and wait it out? That's easy... because I didn't love him enough. And it wasn't that I didn't try. Hell, I tried to love him; him and every other male I went out with..."

I turned to look at her. I saw the pain as it marred her beautiful face, the tears pooled in her eyes, threatening to spill over, and I needed to erase that sadness. I never wanted her to feel that way again.

But her confession wasn't lost on me either, she said she had tried to love other men and I was assuming she had failed at that. Was it because of me? Of what we had?

"Since then, Peter and I – we just became good friends. Two lonely people looking to fill a void and warm a bed. We both wish it could've been different, but it is what it is."

This shit wasn't easy to listen to. "So you and him, you're still..." I let that question linger, I couldn't have said those words if my life depended on it.

"It's been a while." She quietly answered. "He deserves better. Someone with less baggage than me. He's a good guy, Edward. He's always been there for me. Don't hate him..."

"I don't." I shook my head and took a step toward her. She was just sitting there on that futon looking so lost and sad... it wasn't right.

Then she held up her hand and gestured for me to stop.

My heart was a pinata, and every time she pulled away from me, I was taking a hit. I wasn't sure how many more blows I could endure before my heart split in two, spilling the contents of everything I had bottled up inside.

"Edward, I'm not going to make you any promises. I don't know what we are or what we will be. You just..."

I stood frozen in my spot waiting on her to tell me what I had to do.

"You just have to give me time. Like baby steps, all right? This is all... it's...so overwhelming."

I crammed my hands back in my pockets. "I know. I'm sorry if I come on too strong. I just... I want to do things right this time, Bella.."

My words felt as though they were falling on deaf ears as I watched her get up and walk toward the door as I spoke, but I didn't stop saying what I needed to say. "I've missed you so much and you have to know, I still love you, Bella. More than anything and just because back then I may have not loved you the right way, that doesn't mean that I didn't love you with all I had."

I said it. The truth. What I'd been wanting to say since I set foot on her doorstep again, days ago.

She stood still in the doorway. Her whole body seemed to be trembling, but I had the feeling that she needed me to keep my distance. So I gave her what I could, "I mean it. I'll do anything and I'll take whatever you give me. Please..."

I heard her gasp, then she shook her head, her voice jarred as she spoke, "Get some rest, Edward. We'll talk some more tomorrow." Then faintly she reminded me, "Baby steps."

She then stepped through the door and out of my sight, leaving me with nothing to hold on to – no promises, no maybes, but no "not-evers" either. So, I took it.

There was always tomorrow.

The sun was still rising in the east, the moon hadn't fallen from the sky, the earth was still spinning, and I had been invited to stay. I was doing all right, all things considered.

Tomorrow.

_**Men love because they are afraid of themselves, afraid of the loneliness that lives in them, and need someone in whom they can lose themselves as smoke loses itself in the sky.**_

_**~V. F. Calverton**_

* * *

_Well? I know they didn't explain everything, but they will. (I need a reason for you to keep reading)_

_Some chapters, all this little stuff happens and things are said, and it seems like maybe not much really went on, or that maybe it wasn't significant - but it was and things are building, This was one of those chapters, some call it filler, others call it plot – whatever. I just call it necessary (and maybe a little boring?)_

_JSYK, there is a little lemon tree at the Dwyer House. It has these small, pretty buds blooming all over it and before we know it, we will have RIPE LEMONS! Even before we should, b/c my characters are these fictitious silly humans who make mistakes and do things they shouldn't. I hope that makes sense._

_E, your beta greatness is like the caramel on my Granny Smith Apple! Separate - we're still yummy, but together, we are the best damn thing at the whole fair!_

_A - "You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains. You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas. I am strong when I am on your shoulders. You raise me up to more than I can be." Yes, I just sang Josh Groban to you. 'Nuff said._

_Out of all the hundreds of thousands of fics, YOU choose to read mine, I am honored._

_And you should know that reviews give me goosebumps. * **Hint hint ***_

_~Stacy_

_P.S. If you have me on author alert, you will get goodies soon for OTHER fic(s.)_


	13. Tomorrow

**I'm ba-aack! This will be replaced with the final beta'd version as soon as I get it back from her.**

_A strangled smile fell from your face  
It kills me that I hurt you this way  
The worst part is that I didn't even know  
Now there's a million reasons for you to go  
But if you can find a reason to stay..._

_She said "If we're gonna make this work_  
_You gotta let me inside even though it hurts_  
_Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"_  
_She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be_  
_You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"..._

_I'll do whatever it takes_  
_To turn this around_  
_I know what's at stake_  
_I know that I've let you down_  
_And if you give me a chance_  
_And give me a break_  
_I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better_

_But remember the time I told you the way that I felt_  
_That I'd be lost without you and never find myself_  
_Let's hold onto each other above everything else_  
_Start over, start over_

_I'll do whatever it takes_  
_To turn this around_  
_I know what's at stake_  
_I know I've let you down_  
_And if you give me a chance_  
_and believe that I can change_  
_I'll keep us together... whatever it takes_

_Whatever It Takes – Lifehouse_

_

* * *

_

_~From Chapter 12 of The Dwyer House_

_I stood frozen in my spot waiting on her to tell me what I had to do._

_"You just have to give me time. Like baby steps, all right? This is all... it's...so overwhelming."_

_I crammed my hands back in my pockets. "I know. I'm sorry if I come on too strong. I just... I want to do things right this time, Bella.."_

_My words felt as though they were falling on deaf ears as I watched her get up and walk toward the door as I spoke, but I didn't stop saying what I needed to say. "I've missed you so much and you have to know, I still love you, Bella. More than anything and just because back then I may have not loved you the right way, that doesn't mean that I didn't love you with all I had."_

_I said it. The truth. What I'd been wanting to say since I set foot on her doorstep again, days ago._

_She stood still in the doorway. Her whole body seemed to be trembling, but I had the feeling that she needed me to keep my distance. So I gave her what I could, "I mean it. I'll do anything and I'll take whatever you give me. Please..."_

_I heard her gasp, then she shook her head, her voice jarred as she spoke, "Get some rest, Edward. We'll talk some more tomorrow." Then faintly she reminded me, "Baby steps."_

_She then stepped through the door and out of my sight, leaving me with nothing to hold on to – no promises, no maybes, but no "not-evers" either. So, I took it._

_There was always tomorrow._

_The sun was still rising in the east, the moon hadn't fallen from the sky, the earth was still spinning, and I had been invited to stay. I was doing all right, all things considered._

_Tomorrow._

**~x()x~**

I stood staring out into the dawn long after Bella had left. My body was tired, but my mind was racing. As soon as she walked out that door, many a question would pop into my head. Questions that I didn't consider before, questions that I hadn't thought of, but questions that I most defiantly wanted to ask.

I knew I needed the rest, so I forced myself to lie down in the foreign bed. I all but counted sheep until the lull of sleep rescued me from my imagination.

I slept until the next afternoon and the only reason I woke up when I did was because my stomach was growling so loud. I ventured down the steps and found bags of groceries on the cabinet top. I opened the fridge and a few items had been placed in there too.

I smiled and felt the comfort wash over me again.

Someone was taking care of me, and with every fiber of my being I hoped it was Bella. She was the boss of this place, even if she hadn't brought the food to the cabin herself, she had at least told someone to do it. And that right there was enough for me, because even if it was only for a second, she had been thinking of me. _I_ was on _her_ mind.

**~x()x~**

I wasted as much time as I could. I put away all the groceries and then I slowly ate. I combed over every inch of the cabin mentally taking notes of everything that I thought Bella might want me to do. I tried hard not to look at the door every time I heard a noise outside and scolded myself for expecting Bella to come up and visit me.

She never did and I since I had nothing else to do I decided to go to the main house.

The Gator was still sitting outside in the driveway, but I chose to walk anyway. I didn't want to assume that she had left it there for me to drive.

I took in the simplicity of the nature around me. Last night where there had been glowing stars, there was now thin wispy clouds mingling against a pale blue sky.

This place really was magnificent, and in the past few years, I'd seen a lot of places to compare it too.

When I entered the main house, there was chatter coming from the den so I figured it was best for me to stay out of the way of the guests since I was practically an employee. I liked that–me, working for Bella. It gave me some sort of purpose.

There were two women sitting in the office. I didn't know either of them, but they both smiled my way when I entered.

"So you must Edward?" The woman with the dark, short hair asked as she extended her hand for me to shake.

I nodded and shook her hand.

"I'm Alice. I'm Bella's decorator, personal shopper, assistant... slave." She laughed. "It's nice to finally meet you."

Her eyes sparkled as she talked. She was pretty in a wholesome kind of way. She stepped back and rested on the edge of the desk. She crossed her arms and I caught sight of the giant rock on her ring finger.

The other girl stood up behind the desk and extended her hand to me. "I'm Bree and this is my domain." She giggled as she spread her other arm out to gesture to the desk. "I manage the front desk." The way she watched me as she talked made me feel like I was being ogled, and not in a good way. Her eyes kept raking over my body. I was sure she was being flirtatious, or at least trying to be.

After I shook her hand, I wiped my palms down the front of my jeans. "Nice to meet you both." The silence was awkward and I felt out of place.

"You know Edward, for a long time, we thought Bella was making you up." Alice said with a smile. "I even wondered if the pictures she had of you were of a long lost cousin or something. But now... you're here." Her smile turned genuine.

I nodded with agreement, "I am. For awhile I hope."

"That's good," Bree spoke up. "I know Bella sure did talk about you a lot."

My mouth went dry and I looked at her as though she was speaking an undiscovered language that I didn't understand.

"Bree." Alice warned. "Don't get into Bella's business...again." Alice said with aggravation. I pondered how much of Bree's talking I could take seriously.

"I'm just saying that he might like to know that Bella talked about him a lot. I mean... A. Lot." She emphasized before she winked at me. I smiled big and winked back. I might have to find some time to spend with Bree, she could possible be the little gossip queen I needed to fill me in with everything I've missed.

Alice just laughed and shook her head. "Bella's gonna be so pissed."

We all jumped as a door slammed and I heard Bella talking in the distance. "Just set them down in here."

I turned to look over my shoulder and watch for her. I listened as her heels met the hard wood floor with a click, the sound echoing through the hall. She laughed and then I heard a man's voice.

My heart sunk a bit, but I stood tall regardless. This was one of many of those baby steps I was going to have to endure.

"Well you know how it is..." She stopped talking mid-sentence as soon as she saw me. The room grew quiet again and I could feel the tension swallow the office whole. Her eyes met mine before scanning over to Alice and Bree. Then she looked right back at me and the corner of her lips curled up in the smallest of ways.

Baby steps.

"Hey." She said in an almost whisper and the uneasiness that surrounded us dissipated.

"Hey," I returned as the air quickly escaped my lungs. She still had it, the power to take my breath away.

My eyes shot to the man standing in the doorway, he shifted on his feet, clearly now he was the one feeling uncomfortable. He cleared his throat and Bella jumped. "Oh, um. Gosh. Peter, meet Edward." She looked at him and nodded her head.

"And Edward, this is Peter." Her voice was very neutral and cool. She turned to face me again and I smiled at her, feeling like I needed to assure her I was all right with this. I raised my hand and nodded once at him. He took my hand in his and our shake was very firm and candid. We both were standing our ground and stating our place without having to say a word.

"Nice to meet you." He said very stiffly before quickly dropping my hand. "I should go." He looked away from me. "See you ladies later."

"Hang on, I'll walk you out." Bella sat down her bags and turned to say to me, or maybe it was to all of us, "I'll be right back."

The drab quiet overtook the office again.

"Whew, that was unpleasant." Bree said in a sing-sing voice as soon as Bella's footsteps grew faint.

"You're not kidding." Alice mumbled under breath.

"So Edward, you'll be there tomorrow night, right?" Bree asked as she chewed on the end of her pen.

"Where?" I raised my eyebrows at her.

Her face blushed and she pursed her lips. "Oh.. uh, never mind." She answered as she shook her head and sashayed her shoulders.

Bella came back in and immediately began to question Alice. I couldn't keep up as they talked back and forth, so I meandered around the office. I looked at the photos that were hung on the walls, the awards, and the newspaper clippings.

Damn, I'd missed so much.

"Edward, walk with me?" Bella gently touched the back of my arm.

"Of course." _I'll follow you anywhere._

She led us outside and then down by the pool house. It was late afternoon, and the air was getting crisp and chilly. We walked side by side past our old hang out and toward the picnic shelter at the edge of the woods.

I made a mental note to come back to the pool house first chance I got.

"Peter had to take me back to town to get my car today." She didn't look at me as she talked.

"You don't have to explain." I told her honestly.

"I know, but I wanted you to know that."

There was so much we needed to talk about that it proved to be difficult for us to get the conversation flowing freely.

"Tomorrow is our monthly staff meeting and then we have some sort of fun activity planned. I think it's board games, I want you to come." She sat down on one of the bench seats and rested her elbows on the table.

"You want me there?" It sounded too good to be true.

"I do. I want you to get to know everyone and I want you to feel... comfortable here." She finally looked at me, her eyes were sad and she was so hesitant when she spoke.

"I don't..." I straddled the bench to face her. "I don't feel comfortable here... unless you're around." My heart was pounding again, and as usual, I wondered if I'd come on too strong. Admitted too much.

She laughed and shook her head. I saw her cheeks twinge slightly pink.

"It's true." I rocked forward on my hands.

"I'm sorry you feel that way. I want you to be at ease, so maybe with time?" She batted her eyelashes and I was sure if it was possible for me to melt, I would have.

She looked away and I took in a deep breath to calm myself. "Can I ask you something?" It was time to start on some of those questions.

"Shoot." She stated as she cocked her head to the side and glanced at me.

For a second, I thought about crossing my fingers for good luck before I said anything. "Bree said you used to talk about me a lot. Is that true?"

"No she didn't." She cringed as she buried her face in her hands.

"Yeah, she did." I was feeling kind of hopeful again. It was... welcomed. "So... did you?"

She took a minute before she dropped her hands away from her face and began to talk. "Yeah. I did. Well, honestly, not for years, but yeah, more recently. I liked to talk about you, about us, and our memories. I missed you and it helped..." She grew quite and didn't say anything else.

"What did it help?" I didn't know why I asked. I just wanted her to say it. I wanted her to admit to any feelings she might have for me, and if she didn't feel much for me now, I wanted to know how she used to feel.

I was desperate.

"It helped me hurt less, Edward. If I talked openly about you, it seemed that I missed you a little less. It made me happy to think about us and what we had, knowing that it was as real as it gets."

I was glad she felt that way_. _"I agree, it was that. Can I be honest with you right now?" My mouth was dry again and my throat felt like it was closing up.

"Please, you don't even have to ask that." She sighed.

With that, I let my confessions spill. "I tried not to think about you. With everything I had, I tried to forget. It was impossible, don't get me wrong, there were days I could do it. But mostly, you were always on my mind, I... I was always thinking about you. I never stopped, Bella."

She nodded her head, I think that maybe she was close to tears again. "I wish things would have turned out differently Edward, but they are what they are. We can't go back and change the past, no matter how badly we might want to." She sounded regretful and dejected.

"I know. I'm sorry." My heart was aching again. It was like we took one step in the right direction and then the past came in between us and pushed us back a hundred miles.

"You don't have to keep apologizing to me." She took a deep breath.

"I feel like I need to. You have no idea how sorry I am that I messed up our lives like I did." My voice cracked as I admitted my mistake.

She shifted a little more toward me. "That's what you have to understand, it just wasn't you Edward. It was life. It was circumstances. Yes, it was shitty and hard, but we've both survived. We just have to move on."

I wanted to reach for her. I wanted to hug her and hold her and give her some sort of comfort.

But I didn't.

"I know. I get that, but I still feel guilty. All I ever wanted was you, Bella. It was the only thing I knew for certain." I gripped the wood of the bench tighter.

She looked at me, her eyes were red and brimming with tears. "I'm sorry Edward. I... I don't know what to say or what to do next. I just don't know if I can..."

My stomach dropped. "Can do what?"

"Anything."

_**"Experience is how life catches up with us and teaches us to love and forgive each other." ~ Judy Collins**_

* * *

_Remember, this is labeled ANGST._

_Yes, I'm back. No excuses. This update is dedicated to the ladies who kept on me to update this. Thanks to Amie for pre-reading. So much has happened, so check my profile for a few new fics that I've posted since I last updated this one, or just put me on author alert, cause I got a few more to soon post or update._

_The Dwyer House was reviewed today on PICFF Corner Blog along with my interview._

_www. Picffcorner. blogspot. com_

_If you missed TDH, let me know.. Review._

_I missed you..._


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